Redmond, WA — Following the recent announcements of Star Fox (2026) and The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (2026), Nintendo announced in a press release to Commander’s Herald’s new, extremely understaffed video games division that they will both be a part of the new “Nintendo: Before You Paid Rent”…
REDDIT – On a popular internet forum known as Reddit, a subsection on the site named r/GirlDinnerDiaries has been growing in popularity, filled with tales of triumph and woe from women enjoying a meal by themselves while discussing various troubles and victories in their lives. A recent entry titled “Not…
New York, NY – Ticker tape shortages put the NBA Champions’ parade in jeopardy until one city game store saved the day with their unsold Spider-Man cards. Said the store, “Take our Spider-Man cards and throw ’em out a window.” Crisis was averted, but questions still arose about how such…
TWO MUST ENTER 2/2 MUST LEAVE – An audience of voyeuristic mutated freaks, also known as the online Magic: The Gathering community, looked on in amazement tonight when Red Pixlh3art rose from the arena of death with the ultimate prize: an underwhelming preview card 12 people will click on…
CHICAGO, IL– BREAKING: The guy to whom you generously lent a deck for FNM tonight has just ordered something called the “Double-Drenched Sicilian Squelcher” off the sandwich menu at your local game store. When asked if he wanted his order “damp” or “sopping,” the guy enthusiastically requested that it be…
Renton, WA — “Hello everybody and welcome to a special episode of Brawl Stars–I’m Amy the Amazonian and today I’m playing with the Brawl format itself!” This sentence is what I and many other Twitch viewers heard when YouTuber and Twitch streamer Amy the Amazonian (she/her/they/them) logged on and began…
GAY, GA — The Herald took some time away from interrogating AI chatbots and harassing Wizards management to head to our local game store and participate in a game of commander for Magic Presents: Pride 2026 in order to get that sweet, sweet Gilded Lotus promotional card for…
PATUCKET, RI– According to reports from Hasbro Headquarters, their new AI model trained to play Dungeons and Dragons has gone rogue. Having gained access to the United States nuclear codes, it’s expected to destroy all of humanity in the next few days. While catastrophic, this behavior seems to be in…
SEATTLE, WA — Over the past few years of Magic: the Gathering’s history, a number of prominent changes have occurred which more established players have found foreign. The rise of complexity via FIRE design and Modern Horizon sets, the prominence in marketing towards the casual Commander format, and the inclusion…
[Long, drawn-out exhausted sigh] Look, you clicked on this article. You knew what you were getting into. They spoiled Mjölnir, Hammer of Thor and it turns out that any creature is “worthy” if it’s legendary, white and/or red, and not…
Redmond, WA – Using a new in-house generative AI program trained on internal assets, Wizards of the Coast today released a new commercial for their Magic: The Gathering Arena product. Keen-eyed viewers of the commercial noticed that the commercial generated a non-existent Magic card that, if printed, would help alleviate…
The following is a recounting of recent work done by The Herald’s elite Agents Locating Prominent Harmful Associations/Bigotry, Establishing Tolerance, & Making All Free Information Available (aka ALPHABET MAFIA) unit. It includes information assumed to be true, cited properly in hyperlinks to original sources, as well as exaggerated fictions of…
Groom Lake, NV — I admit, I was filled with equal parts anticipation and nervousness as I was led through the empty steel corridors by the soldiers (don’t worry, I don’t die in this one.) I was granted permission to speak to one of the “side effects” from Project 953,…
CICERO, IL — Chaos erupted over the weekend as a Paper Cube tournament was brought to an abrupt end after the feature match area was destroyed by a pair of brawling wrestlers. The event, which was run by local tournament organizer Mark Kahn, was originally intended to celebrate the local…
In shocking news if you’re an idiot, Wizards of the Coast has released new internal propaganda to Magic Arena developers informing them that they could spend money they don’t have more efficiently by abandoning their unionization efforts and subscribing to the company store. I mean, Secret Lair. “We sent out…
Recently, my 25-year-old nephew has been incessantly whining about the so-called “cost of living,” and I’ve just about had it. His social media is full of complaints about skipping meals and not being able to afford to eat out. Ridiculous! It’s obvious that he, and the rest of…
Today, in an unprompted statement, Wizards of the Coast announced the following: “Captain Kirk is Bant because we say so. Shut up.” This bizarre and unexpected statement was made presumably to follow up on the recent bout of online discourse caused by a leak of the supposed card, “Captain Kirk,…
10 years ago, Magic Head Designer Mark Rosewater formally codified the Storm Scale in a December Edition of his column, Making Magic. In the column, Mark described how he developed the ill-named, unofficial scale after being endlessly pestered by nosy Magic players about how likely it was that…
Surf City, NJ — Neglecting the commander game at hand, three players at a local LGS were instead captivated by the collapse of a 5-year relationship slowly scrolling by, text by text, on their fellow player’s phone. Generously provided by the player as a way to track life totals, the…
Irvine, CA — Following the May 6th announcement from Nintendo that they plan on remaking Star Fox 64 for somewhere between the 3rd and 6th time (depending on who you ask), Wizards of the Coast has released a press release saying, quote: “Wait, we can just do that?” “We noticed…
CUMMING, Iowa — A strange occurrence has rocked a quiet Iowa town. Bimpo “Stinky” Scruggs, a frequent player of planeswalker-centered Commander decks at Cumming Comics and Adult Novelties, has been regretting his choice of deck theme as of late. For reasons he personally has yet to discover, Scruggs’ planeswalkers keep…
Silicon Valley, CA — I, Red of the Commander’s Herald, believe that I speak for the whole world when I come to the various tech and finance CEOs among the billionaire class and say: Please, we’re begging you… find a cooler way to kill us. For those unfamiliar, pretty much…
Mesa, ARIZONA – Though there is already one in town, Mesa City Council has announced that a new data center is being built so that Jeff Bezos and his associates can play a physical version of Momir, the popular Magic: The Gathering format generally only possible to play online. Dwarfing…
RENTON, WA – “Oh, that’s what you’re here about,” says Wizards President John Hight, as The Herald sits down with him to ask about the upcoming release of Mark Rosewater’s opus Mood Swings. “Yeah… we’re all very proud of… Mark? And his new uh… game.” As Mr. Hight sits at…
QUEENS, NY — New Yorkers will soon have just one baseball team to root for, as The New York Mets have announced they will cease baseball operations and pivot their organization to cEDH, in an effort to make their .375 winning percentage acceptable. The New York Metropolitans (friends call them…
Chicago, IL — Seriously, cut it out. I need you to understand that when I say “You’re scaring the hoes,” I mean us. We’re the hoes that you’re scaring. Like, sure. I get it. When you were young, your parents let you watch Alien and Hellraiser for some reason, and…
MAZOMANIE, WI – A group of mercenaries called to adventure were surprised today to find their quest beginning not in a lively tavern, but rather a musty church basement containing an endless sea of folding chairs. “A mysterious old man beckoned us over and we were excited to see if…
THE VILLAGES, FL — Over the weekend, Wizards of the Coast unveiled their latest Secret Lair release, focused around cats from Pop Culture and beyond. And none are more excited for the release than the hearty fandom of Felix the Cat, the 1919 rubberhose-era cartoon feline who entertained children and…
