Satire

Page 1

Red Pixlh3art • November 8, 2026

Somewhere in the Multiverse, Twitter — Notorious former planeswalker and presumed future antagonist Nicol Bolas stunned many on both sides of the multiversal political spectrum when, following Tuesday’s stunning “bluenami” midterm election results, he changed his X bio to include his own pronouns. “I truly thought that there were more…

envy • November 5, 2026

On the 7th of May, 2007, Mark Rosewater formally introduced the ‘aesthetic profiles’ in an article entitled “Melvin and Vorthos.” This article, and its later companion piece “Vorthos and Mel” sought to identify and categorize the different aesthetic…

Darwin LaPollo • November 4, 2026

Topeka, Kansas — I risked everything seeking some valuable mystery meat, and I lost. To set the stage, Magic: the Gathering‘s recent collaboration with beef-stick company Mythical Meats has combined the spices and cured meats of beef jerky with the glorified gambling of a trading card game,…

CobertMTG • October 27, 2026

CARLSTADT, NEW JERSEY – After the controversial decision to name “Cloud Dancer” as Color of the Year last year, Pantone has decided to pivot to a different, more earthy shade and name “Stained LGS Table” as this year’s winner. Pantone describes the color as “hinting at the white plastic that…

Red Pixlh3art • October 24, 2026

Ravnica — Earlier today, Living Guildpact Niv-Mizzet made the historic and highly rare decision, even among presumably left-wing politicians, to refuse to ban transgender women from various sporting competitions in Ravnica, leaving the very small and astroturfed anti-transgender lobby in Ravnica (and no one else) both angry and confused. Niv-Mizzet’s…

Jon Ruggiero • October 22, 2026

Washington, D.C. – In an attempt to push as many pet projects through while they control the government, Republican politicians like Robert F. Kennedy Jr. have been creating new initiatives and bills to alter the political landscape. RFK Jr. was mentioned specifically due to a new press release where he…

Joe DeNoon • October 21, 2026

BENIHANA, SHORT HILLS, NJ — A hibachi chef reached his professional breaking point on Monday after a Magic playgroup took advantage of a slow night to play Commander at his table. Chef Joseph Morimoto is a local icon and tenured hibachi chef at the Benihana in the town’s strip mall.

K. Wilder Newyear • October 11, 2026

Earlier this week, the teams behind Dungeons and Dragons and Wizards’ paper TCGs announced their intent to form a union with CWA. To help understand the implications behind this move, we here at the Commander’s Herald have put together this helpful guide. CLAIM: Wait, didn’t you already do an article…

Naomi Krause • October 9, 2026

Rainbow skeletons art by moveslikekeef BEIJING – In a shocking upset, traditionally strict Chinese Censors have seemingly overlooked a massive number of skeletal LGBTQIA+ Magic: The Gathering cards included in the upcoming Reality Fracture set. With a proud history of removing skulls…

Jon Ruggiero • October 3, 2026

Toledo, OH – Local game store Brain Games hosts a weekly Commander night to encourage Magic: The Gathering players to congregate and test their Commanders against each other. However controversy has shadowed a recent Commander night after a player was accused of letting a deck “play itself” with…