New York, NY - Self-proclaimed aspiring MtG Pro Ffej Netrig was rudely awakened at the early hour of 2PM this past Saturday by the chanting of tens of thousands of protesters outside his basement apartment. Their cause: protesting kingmaking in Commander evidently. "I was shocked," says Netrig, "to hear so…
Don't harass anyone you fucks. This is a satirical, exaggerated article. The folks behind a silly card game show are not horrible people I intend to personally destroy. I just don't like ads 🙁 What was originally thought to be a bug caused the…
Los Angeles, CA - During the unrest caused by their very organization, an ICE Agent stopped at local game shop Freedom's Banner Collectibles to play some games of Magic: The Gathering's Commander format. The agent, whose identity was obscured the entire time they were in-store, was in town on undisclosed…
Washington, D.C. - Proving why people question his position in the federal agency, the Senior Chief of Staff for The Federal Emergency Management Agency, Clancy Gumblemann, revealed in a meeting that he thinks Hurricane is a blue Magic: The Gathering card. The confusion possibly…
Renton, WA - With Final Fantasy officially hitting stores this month, it's time to immediately dive into spoiler season for future product launches! And what could satiate a shareholder's unquenchable thirst for profit more than us speculating wildly about an entirely new card frame and mechanic from the upcoming Edge of Eternities…
Washington, D.C. - United States Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. released a video claiming that Teferi's Protection is detrimental to a "good and healthy Magic deck". This stunning declaration flies in the face of accepted ideas about how…
Midgar, Gaia - Tensions grew across the multiverse today as President Shinra the ruling Shinra Electric Power Company issued a surprise 145% tariff on Magic: the Gathering booster packs. This unpredicted tax draws Gaia into the ongoing multiverse trade standoff in a way that this reporter can only describe as…
Even with MSRP returning, Magic: the Gathering prices are still extraordinarily high and rising with the insane hype around the upcoming Final Fantasy set. This reporter sat down with concerned Magic player Ffej Netrig to talk about prices, finance, and other less-expensive hobbies. How long have you been playing Magic: the Gathering?…
In our ongoing reporting on the loneliness epidemic among low-level Dungeons and Dragons miniatures, we talked to a kobold mini who hasn't been taken out of storage in over a year. The tiny plastic figure belongs to dungeon master Elizabeth Morello, whose party is…
Redmond, WA - In a move many marketing experts are claiming as "forward-thinking" and "genius", Wizards of The Coast today announced a set of Magic: The Gathering: Universes Beyond cards based on the new hit RPG Clair Obscur: Expedition 33. Instead of designing new cards, though, Wizards is just producing…
With wedding season and tariff season coming at the same time this year, brides, grooms, and bride-grooms all over the United States are feeling added strain on their wedding budgets. Our newly self-proclaimed Style Section writer Jeff Girten sat down with a soon-to-be-bride, "Jenny," to discuss how she's getting clever…
Denver, CO - Dungeons & Dragons has seen a tremendous surge in popularity over the past five years. Going from an activity groups of nerds did huddled in their mother's basement to something groups of nerds do at game stores, bars, and apparently even in sold-out arenas all over the world…
Renton, WA - Thanks to a boom in the collectable items market, a recently fired Hasbro employee is trying to get money for his Beckett-graded firing notice. Clay Richmond, former sales manager for Wizards of the Coast, was fired for cause after being caught stealing Magic: The Gathering product, but…
MAIN PHASE 2 - A 1/1 human token's understanding of reality crumbled today after being used to pay for the cross-dressing Cloud version of Clever Concealment caused them to feel all tingly inside. "When I look at them, I get this weird fuzzy…
Renton, WA - Just weeks after promising no more non-emergency Commander bans this year, Wizards of the Coast announced today that Dockside Chef has been banned retroactive to September 23, 2024. New WotC press secretary Karoline Banitt released a brief statement on the banning:…
Self-proclaimed financial genius Ffej Netrig is certain he's identified a way to consistently outperform the stock market: something he's calling his "Warhammer 401k." That's right, Mr. Netrig has invested all $2,300 of his life savings into wargame miniatures. "With all this turmoil rocking the stock market every day, I tell…
A new study from The Coalition to Reform Incarceration Tactics (CRIT) has been declared a major victory for those who oppose the current dice jail system. Dice that roll natural ones are typically sent to custom prisons where they are isolated from the larger dice society, sometimes for…
Shreveport, LA - Local tabletop gaming shop Gobin's Horde has announced that upcoming in-store Magic: The Gathering events will become "rowdy" drafts. A "rowdy" movie screening involves audience members actively interacting with a film in a theater, usually by reciting lines or recreating actions alongside the actors. Spurred by the…
The quiet quitting discussion has made its way to The Forgotten Realms, where party leaders complain young adventurers are choosing to "take 10" rather than risk rolling the dice. Conjuration wizard Zephyra Starbinder claims that her own party's rogue has been "aking 10 on rolls for months now.
TARKIR - An investigation/robbery by Jeskai authorities this week discovered that Sarkhan Vol's dragon obsession is balancing on a dangerous precipice after his budget was found to have allocated funds for Dragon Girl Bathwater. "He's a dragon half the time which is neat,…
COLUMBUS, OH - Hearts were not shattered this morning when the notorious Dockside Extortionist was denied appeal for banlist parole after serving six months of a life sentence. "What we're really worried about is recidivism." Said an unnamed board member who definitely isn't Ragavan in a fake mustache. "The card's…
THE INTERNET - The Commander Rules Committee issued an update to its list of banned and restricted cards. While no new bans were made, some cards were removed from the ban list, including powerful and popular choices like Braids, Cabal Minion and…
Think Universes Beyond bringing outside IP into Magic is a recent development? Think again.
Unelected Tarkir clan leaders have asked for lists of five things clan members have done recently to fight dragons.
Jeff interviews Ffej Netrig, CPA and soon-to-be-felon about some light financial crimes he did on behalf of his client.
A local Republican congressman is under fire after mistakenly including Asmoranomardicadaistinaculdacar in a chat discussing highly-classified information.
Regularly confused man Tatum Groy was overjoyed to hear the news that an upcoming Universes Beyond set is the last one Wizards will produce.
Nearly a dozen fans of Final Fantasy and Magic: The Gathering were seen protesting outside of the headquarters of Square Enix this morning.
