Satire

Page 1

Jeff Girten • June 16, 2025

New York, NY - Self-proclaimed aspiring MtG Pro Ffej Netrig was rudely awakened at the early hour of 2PM this past Saturday by the chanting of tens of thousands of protesters outside his basement apartment. Their cause: protesting kingmaking in Commander evidently. "I was shocked," says Netrig, "to hear so…

Naomi Krause • June 15, 2025

Don't harass anyone you fucks. This is a satirical, exaggerated article. The folks behind a silly card game show are not horrible people I intend to personally destroy. I just don't like ads 🙁 What was originally thought to be a bug caused the…

Jon Ruggiero • June 12, 2025

Los Angeles, CA - During the unrest caused by their very organization, an ICE Agent stopped at local game shop Freedom's Banner Collectibles to play some games of Magic: The Gathering's Commander format. The agent, whose identity was obscured the entire time they were in-store, was in town on undisclosed…

Jon Ruggiero • June 10, 2025

Washington, D.C. - Proving why people question his position in the federal agency, the Senior Chief of Staff for The Federal Emergency Management Agency, Clancy Gumblemann, revealed in a meeting that he thinks Hurricane is a blue Magic: The Gathering card. The confusion possibly…

Jeff Girten • June 8, 2025

Renton, WA - With Final Fantasy officially hitting stores this month, it's time to immediately dive into spoiler season for future product launches! And what could satiate a shareholder's unquenchable thirst for profit more than us speculating wildly about an entirely new card frame and mechanic from the upcoming Edge of Eternities…

Jeff Girten • June 2, 2025

Midgar, Gaia - Tensions grew across the multiverse today as President Shinra the ruling Shinra Electric Power Company issued a surprise 145% tariff on Magic: the Gathering booster packs. This unpredicted tax draws Gaia into the ongoing multiverse trade standoff in a way that this reporter can only describe as…

Jeff Girten • May 31, 2025

Even with MSRP returning, Magic: the Gathering prices are still extraordinarily high and rising with the insane hype around the upcoming Final Fantasy set. This reporter sat down with concerned Magic player Ffej Netrig to talk about prices, finance, and other less-expensive hobbies. How long have you been playing Magic: the Gathering?…

Jeff Girten • May 25, 2025

With wedding season and tariff season coming at the same time this year, brides, grooms, and bride-grooms all over the United States are feeling added strain on their wedding budgets. Our newly self-proclaimed Style Section writer Jeff Girten sat down with a soon-to-be-bride, "Jenny," to discuss how she's getting clever…

Jeff Girten • May 21, 2025

Denver, CO - Dungeons & Dragons has seen a tremendous surge in popularity over the past five years. Going from an activity groups of nerds did huddled in their mother's basement to something groups of nerds do at game stores, bars, and apparently even in sold-out arenas all over the world…

Jeff Girten • May 13, 2025

Renton, WA - Just weeks after promising no more non-emergency Commander bans this year, Wizards of the Coast announced today that Dockside Chef has been banned retroactive to September 23, 2024.  New WotC press secretary Karoline Banitt released a brief statement on the banning:…

Jeff Girten • May 12, 2025

Self-proclaimed financial genius Ffej Netrig is certain he's identified a way to consistently outperform the stock market: something he's calling his "Warhammer 401k." That's right, Mr. Netrig has invested all $2,300 of his life savings into wargame miniatures. "With all this turmoil rocking the stock market every day, I tell…

Jacob VanGundy • May 11, 2025

A new study from The Coalition to Reform Incarceration Tactics (CRIT) has been declared a major victory for those who oppose the current dice jail system. Dice that roll natural ones are typically sent to custom prisons where they are isolated from the larger dice society, sometimes for…

Jon Ruggiero • May 6, 2025

Shreveport, LA - Local tabletop gaming shop Gobin's Horde has announced that upcoming in-store Magic: The Gathering events will become "rowdy" drafts. A "rowdy" movie screening involves audience members actively interacting with a film in a theater, usually by reciting lines or recreating actions alongside the actors. Spurred by the…

Naomi Krause • April 29, 2025

TARKIR - An investigation/robbery by Jeskai authorities this week discovered that Sarkhan Vol's dragon obsession is balancing on a dangerous precipice after his budget was found to have allocated funds for Dragon Girl Bathwater. "He's a dragon half the time which is neat,…

Naomi Krause • April 27, 2025

COLUMBUS, OH - Hearts were not shattered this morning when the notorious Dockside Extortionist was denied appeal for banlist parole after serving six months of a life sentence.  "What we're really worried about is recidivism." Said an unnamed board member who definitely isn't Ragavan in a fake mustache. "The card's…