Guy Borrowing Your Deck Orders Wettest Sandwich Ever

CHICAGO, IL– BREAKING: The guy to whom you generously lent a deck for FNM tonight has just ordered something called the “Double-Drenched Sicilian Squelcher” off the sandwich menu at your local game store. When asked if he wanted his order “damp” or “sopping,” the guy enthusiastically requested that it be “soaked clean through,” according to the employee working the refreshments counter at the time of the incident.

Pressed for comment, you said, “Look, I’m not worried about a few crumbs on my cards. Haven’t you seen that Rhystic Studies video about the heavily played Gonti deck? I mean”–you visibly shuddered–“I don’t know if I could ever go unsleeved like that, but I’m–I’m chill, okay? Magic is a social game. It’s about being with people, and they won’t wanna be with you if you’re a tightass, right?” You let out a laugh that witnesses described as “just a little too loud.”

Despite yourself, you did manage to appear passably normal upon the guy’s return. As your pod began to play, multiple witnesses independently noted that you did not appear to be someone who cleans all your cards with a special little monogrammed cleaning cloth every evening and then kisses each one goodnight so very sweetly. To those unfamiliar with the matter, you might have even seemed like you were making friends.

The guy was just about to resolve his borrowed Amulet of Vigor (mint condition) when an LGS employee clad in rain boots and a vinyl butcher’s apron shuffled gingerly toward your table, holding a dripping serving basket at arms’ length. Behind them, a customer slipped on a puddle of beef jus and toppled headfirst into the dice display.

“Oh, hold on, food’s here!” Without ceremony, the guy let his cards fall to the table so in favor of the sandwich, which flopped limply in his grasp like a dying sea cucumber and released a copious dribble. His abandoned hand was spotted drifting gently away on the meaty tide.

“Mmmff! Pass turn,” he said, spraying a fine beef mist onto your single-sleeved Amulet of Vigor (lightly played).

At time of reporting, your only comment was a broken whisper: “I’m growing the game… I’m growing the game…”

The “Squelcher” is a limited-time menu offering, available only until a plumber arrives to fix that burst gravy pipe in the kitchen. The Commander’s Herald Culinary Korner gives it three spoons out of five.

(Just double-sleeve your deck next time.)