Cars Once Again Ruin Modern Life

NYC — The number of hit-and-runs in Legacy and Vintage continues to reach record highs as The Fantasticar remains street legal. With no clear end to the vehicular violence in sight, Eternal format players and pedestrian advocates alike are clamoring for something to be done before more lives are cut tragically short.

“I don’t know how that thing ever made it past safety testing,” commented Traycee Chapp-Mann, a former Legacy tournament organizer who now dedicates her free time to highway cleanup. She and her volunteer crew struggled to drag Lurrus’s hulking, tire-tracked corpse to the shoulder of the BQE. “Robert Moses would flood his slacks if he could see how car-centric the metagame has become.”

Lurrus did not respond to our request for comment. Neither did WotC or Hasbro, although multiple anonymous tipsters alleged that they witnessed Chris Cox piloting a 4/4 Construct token at 80 miles per hour through a school zone this past week.

Faced with an influx of accident reports, the NYPD has opted to take their typical hands-off approach to curbing unsafe driving, whether of real cars or game objects. “Racism remains our top traffic enforcement priority; we are also working hard on hitting bike riders with tickets and our vehicles,” said Commissioner Jessica Tisch, stepping out of an NYPD Tactical Toddler-Crusher SUV.

“We do take pedestrian safety seriously, though, which is why we’re working to secure a contract with Marvel and Wizards of the Coast to add a playset of The Fantasticar to our fleet,” Tisch continued, as she checked her parking job to ensure that the Toddler-Crusher was fully blocking an accessibility ramp. “The only way to stop a bad guy from running civilians over on Turn 1 is to do it yourself first.”

Until The Fantasticar inevitably joins WotC’s collection of design mistakes that had to be patched after the fact with restrictions and bans, pedestrian safety experts recommend double-checking that you have a Force of Will or Consign to Memory in hand whenever you cross the street.