OMAHA, NE – Local father and D&D player Phillip Grossman reportedly fell into a midlife crisis after an incident at his son’s birthday. Suffering a humiliating defeat at the hooves of a pony rented for the birthday, he realized he couldn’t defeat a single creature with a challenge…
Renton, Washington — As the harsh winter approaches, Hasbro’s board of directors huddle around the burning desk of Carmen Klomparens, hoping to stave off a freezing death for another night. “The trek has been long and arduous, and I fear we may not…
RENTON, WASHINGTON–Executives at Wizards of the Coast are scrambling after getting zero new applicants to their creator program last quarter. Sources within the Hasbro subsidiary point to one culprit for the sudden drop in interest: The White House. Often confused with Magic the Gathering card…
Washington, D.C. – As the government begins to return to work following the longest government shutdown on record, many returning politicians are starting up their Magic: The Gathering play groups again. During a recent game Democrat Senator Corbin Leisch gave his opponent a massive advantage by allowing the player to…
CHANNEL 47 – Laziness has reached new heights this week as workers in charge of grabbing Avatar: The Last Airbender screenshots to replace artwork on Magic: The Gathering cards forgot to remove an iCarly promotional splash from the bottom of the screen. Wizards of the Coast admit the original plan…
THE INTERNET — The latest Secret Lair Drop went live this week, and Magic: The Gathering players took to socials to report yet another frustrating experience that left them empty-handed, just as it had many times before. “I can’t believe this happened again,…
SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Technology Information Consultants CEO John Rogers has revealed that he is preparing an ally typal deck in preparation for next June. The deck is an important part of Rogers’ branding strategy as both a representative of his company and a Magic…
Kowabunga! A rules announcement from Wizards of the Coast has clarified that none of the creatures in the upcoming Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles set will deal lethal damage in combat. Due to a 1987 FCC rule, the tubular turtles are forbidden from killing their…
SPOOKY MESOTHELIOMA ATTIC – A group of rowdy college students who uncovered a dusty old Ouija board then decided to play Commander have been thrown into turmoil after the player using it as a playmat systematically countered or removed every single card Dave has played. The game started casually enough…
Redmond, WA – In a sponsored post on his popular Tumblr blog, Magic: The Gathering Head Designer Mark Rosewater reversed a long-held belief of his due to an executive order handed down from the White House. While Rosewater, affectionately known as Maro, had said in the past that it was…
Bend, OR – A fan of the Standard format of Magic: The Gathering found himself in hot water this week after police found him destroying a witch’s cauldron decoration in his neighbor’s yard. The vat vandalism went down when local man Tate Grimsbold was walking home after an unsuccessful game…
Magic socials were on fire for the third time this week after Wizards of the Coast announced that they were working with famed comic book writer Robert Kirkman to reboot the Magic: The Gathering® | Marvel’s Spider-Man set. We sat down with company spokesman Bob Rabiah just after the announcement…
Columbus, OH – A tense moment happened at a Halloween event today as a man going to a comic book store while dressed in a Spider-Man costume won a Magic: The Gathering character costume contest by accident. Ted Plensk, the Spider-Man cosplayer and costume contest victor, had not planned to…
THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD – A bizarre questionnaire sent out by Wizards of the Coast last week asked Magic players if any specific influencers affected their views on the Communist Party (and/or the Spider-Man Universes Beyond set). The question in question uses the acronym Reviewer Entertainer Dissenting Streamer (REDS)…
Washington, D.C. – During one of his usual incomprehensible and rambling speeches, 34-time convicted felon and former star of The Apprentice Donald Trump announced that he will be sending the National Guard to yet another city. The deployment was made because Trump has been spending the past few days drafting…
SHITASS GAMES – For their upcoming Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Prerelease event, one devoted local game store has delved headfirst into immersion by shrouding their business in the smell of poop water for the past 30 years. The community has lovingly rallied around the event, with some members going so…
Original Painting by vadimdolgovart SEATTLE, WA – Wizards of the Coast is proud to announce its collaboration with one of the biggest richest pop stars of our time: Taylor Swift. Swifties have deep pockets which is exactly the kind of demo WotC is targeting…
In a post on their social media accounts, Wizards of the Coast today announced that, due to the increased volume of intellectual properties being brought into Magic: The Gathering via Universes Beyond, all Commander games going forward should begin with an explanation of your commander’s lore. Universes Beyond has brought…
Chaos erupted on the set of the latest episode of Jubilee’s Surrounded, “1 Magic Pro vs 20 Commander Players” as an argument broke out among the EDH players over whose turn it was to debate the pro next. The controversy began almost immediately after the clock started, when commander player…
Dear Commander’s Herald, How do I convince my doctor that life is just a resource? He insists that I should be exercising, eating healthy, and taking my prescription medications in some sort of life gain strategy. While I’m not opposed to life gain in principle, it’s…
(Photo by Nick Wolf) ATLANTA, GA – Multiple keen eyed viewers of last week’s MagicCon Atlanta preview panel noticed what appeared to be head Magic designer Mark Rosewater sending a hidden plea for salvation between the thirteenth and fourteenth product announcements. Rosewater himself has denied the…
Atlanta, GA – Magic: The Gathering fans descended upon Atlanta this weekend to attend MagicCon, one of the biggest card game events of the year. Fans from around the world got together to play the game they love, see content creators and game developers they enjoy, and spend more money…
Toledo, OH – Local Magic: The Gathering fan Craig Duffy, upset over not having enough funds to travel to Atlanta for this past weekend’s MagicCon, spent the day reorganizing lands in an attempt to quell his wanderlust. Duffy, who was recently laid off from his management position at Jimmy John’s…
The final season of the hit Netflix show Stranger Things is set to release in November, but a new leak has spoiled the show’s shocking finale. In one of the show’s signature nods to old-school Dungeons & Dragons, the protagonists…
As Universes Beyond continues introduce Magic: The Gathering to other pop culture fandoms, the release of Magic: The Gathering® | Marvel’s Spider-Man has also introduced new frustrations for the fans of Spider-Man comics. “They make the tiny bags but no tiny boards, how is this possible?” asked Vince Ramirez, a…
This past weekend saw plenty of Prerelease events around the country for the new Marvel’s Spider-Man Magic: The Gathering set. However, it has been reported that many local game stores had small or non-existent crowds for the new comic book hero cards. After being presented evidence, we here at Commander’s…
Renton, WA – Wizards of the Coast amended a press release today for a new Play-Doh-based Secret Lair product to indicate a flaw with the cards: they will dry out, like Play-Doh, if you leave them unsleeved. This is yet another issue with recent card quality which Wizards took steps…
Washington, D.C. – Former director of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms, current acting director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, and sycophant Kash Patel claimed another investigative victory this week during a game of Magic: The Gathering. Along with the claim that he caught Charlie Kirk’s alleged shooter…
