New York, NY — Reports from a local game store reveal that players may have located the protagonist. Of… everything, it seems. We followed up to investigate. “She just showed up one day, playing like Boros Dragons,” says Wade Nelson, one regular attendee. “She swept the whole FNM–no sleeves,…
Erie, PA – Norman Gilbert, a well-known Magic: The Gathering player in town, was kicked out of local game store The Goblin’s Den permanently due to the content of his “The Aristocrats”-themed commander deck. The deck, filled with joke and banned cards, was created by Gilbert likely to either elicit…
COPENHAGEN — Novo Nordisk, the pharmaceutical company that produces Ozempic, has been sued by the elder dragon Arcades, the Strategist. The Dragon claims that the company has significantly reduced the base toughness of many creatures, reducing his effectiveness as a commander. He’s suing the company for lost…
SECRET HASBRO BUNKER, Wash. — Commander’s Herald has once again stumbled ass-backwards into a shocking revelation about the potential future of a beloved Magic: The Gathering fan format. In what is bound to be the most existentially nerve-wracking piece of news to emerge this week, we have learned of a…
Following the absolutely stellar debut of GiGi Wellplayed on the Spell Slayers last month, the staff at The Herald has worked tirelessly, day and night and afternoon, to try and come up with a drag name as good as that. We could not. Nevertheless, we needed to…
OUTER SPACE- A phenomenon known as the “overview effect” is known to cause astronauts, such as the crew aboard NASA’s Moon-bound Artemis II, to feel a sense of oneness with the Earth and the humans that inhabit it when they glimpse the “pale blue dot” from space. Traveling alongside the…
REDWOOD SHORES, CA — In a sudden move that sent shockwaves through the industry, Oracle Chairman Larry Ellison announced he was exiling the careers of 30,000 of the company’s employees, and paying 1 blue mana, to cast a Treasure Cruise. The move, which came to light via a company-wide email early…
Chaos erupted at the first annual Bumbleflower Easter Egg Hunt when word got out that there were not enough prizes for everyone who entered. Attendees were initially lured in with promises of drawing cards, but interest in the humble innkeeper’s wares far exceeded the mana she had on hand to…
Undisclosed Location — A Wizards of the Coast designer has just gone on the record to say that their team does, in fact, purposefully design cards to upset specific YouTubers. “We just think it’s really funny to upset people whose literal livelihoods depend on our game and therefore have nothing…
SHINJUKU, JAPAN — In a press release earlier this morning, Square-Enix announced that, following the severing of ties between Disney and OpenAI, they were once again the sole owners of “The Only Sora Partnership Worth A Damn.” Square-Enix, the popular makes of games such as Brave Fencer Musashi and Bust-A-Groove as…
To celebrate April Fool’s Day this year, we at Commander’s Herald decided to walk you through an article that we would write, going step-by-step through the satirical process. We came up with an idea to write about a “leak” of a secret internal memo from Wizards of The Coast detailing…
MATAMATA, New Zealand — While Wizards of the Coast continues to ramp up the hype train for Secrets of Strixhaven, a curious rumor has begun floating around about another upcoming set. During a tour of the Hobbiton set used in the Lord of the Rings and Hobbit film trilogies, a…
A new book about the plane of Arcavios, which hosts Strixhaven Academy, is set to be released alongside Secrets of Strixhaven this April. Minutiae of Arcavios by Professor Fredrick Jackson Ghost-Turner of Lorehold College focuses primarily on the subhuman creatures who wander the plane.
San Francisco, CA — CEO Dennis “Thresh” Fong said today in a private statement that he and his coworkers at AI voice moderation company GGWP are “disappointed” that, as their data shows, gamers evidently do not make small talk. “It’s really frustrating, from a monetary perspective,” said Fong. “I mean,…
LOVELADIES, NJ — Wizards of the Coast’s deployment of an AI Voice Mod for SpellTable encountered a small hiccup this week, after the Mod killed itself following an 11-hour cEDH game. In a press conference before the hiccup, Wizards spokeswoman Miranda Lefts gave the reasoning behind…
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Following the success of the ShoeBox event earlier this month, a new wave of interest in community designed formats has drawn the attention of Magic players across the world. The fervor only mounted after WotC’s previously announced Dandân Secret Lair sold out almost immediately, throwing the storied…
Magic the gathering, like many “nerdy” hobbies can attract individuals who are more reserved in social situations, so it is incredible that so many MTG fans find themselves walking into game stores and sitting down to play with complete strangers. The key is to relax, be welcoming, and to –…
Boston, MA — Last night, at roughly 4:00 AM, local townie and former Harvardite Mash Hoel was another in a series of locals who had that school nightmare again, but this time about a school they’ve never attended: Strixhaven. “God, it sucked,” they explained to us. “I was at my…
Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer is, according to an anonymous Senator with a pair of Glasses of Urza, currently holding a copy of Counterspell in his hand, and yet is refusing to play it. “He’s had…
HENDERSON, NV — The Wednesday Night Commanders games at Flash Bazbo Comics usually run without controversy. “Everyone here is pretty chill, rule zero discussions tend to go smoothly, no issues,” the store owner tells us. But players have become increasingly aware of a strange play pattern from store regular Jim Burger,…
(Disclaimer: Carmen Klomparens did not actually say any of these things. It’s obviously a joke. C’mon.) Renton, Washington — After Hasbro’s announcement of a multi-year deal with Warner Bros. Discovery and J.K. Rowling to further merchandise Harry Potter (despite those dogshit spin-off movies bombing), local game…
BOSTON, MA — St. Patrick’s Day festivities at Murphy’s Game Corner took an unexpected turn for players this year, as they were treated to the sudden arrival of the patron Saint of Ireland. However, the fun quickly turned to terror, as the cleric lived up to legend and banished…
Chesterfield, MO – Through a message sent to its leadership, it’s been revealed that the Higher Education Loan Authority of the State of Missouri, known as MOHELA, will begin lending money to people interested in purchasing cards from the upcoming higher-education-based Magic: The Gathering set Secrets of Strixhaven. The move,…
Compiled by Upperclassmen Who Are No Longer Allowed Near Orientation (You won’t listen. That’s fine. We didn’t either) BEFORE DAY 1 Read this now. Read it again when you hate everything. Read it a third time when you hate yourself. If things feel calm, let them.
New York City’s new mayor Zohran Mamdani promised to crack down on “basic landlords” in a press statement earlier today. “For too long have the basic landlords in this city failed to meet the needs of their tenants,” Mamdani proclaimed. “When you put down a Forest, you will be asked…
SEATTLE, Wash. — Commander’s Herald scooped an unexpected piece of exclusive news while attending Seattle FlannelCon LXIX this past weekend to cover the public reveal of Secret Lair: Regular-Ass Shirts. During an interview with Magic’s head designer Mark Rosewater, he made an insinuation that seemed too out there to…
GRAPEVINE, TX — Over the past few weeks, chatter has grown around a potential buyout of eBay by GameStop. However, thanks to some internal leaks and small bribes to underpaid interns, the Commander’s Herald has come to learn the discussions are much further along, with eBay looking to unload…
Lake City, Florida — Silver rank, Master Yi-main Billy Helminster was baffled last night as he came in dead last at his local Riftbound local championship without any teammates to drag him down. “It was so bizarre,” Helminster claimed, “There was nobody to steal my farm, feed the enemy, or…
