WASHINGTON, DC — In a press conference earlier today, the United States Department of Education announced they would be hiring The Theorist, the fragment of Jace Beleren’s persona responsible for the failed creation of the Echoverse, to help remove some of the more “un-American” parts of the nation’s history books.
Tenth District, RAVNICA – New York City plane politician Zohran Mamdani, in a show of respect for his new friend the living guildpact Niv-Mizzet, took an omenpath to honor a newly-created memorial documenting the Phyrexian Invasion. The visit comes on the day of 9/11, a tragic event in the now-ubiquitous…
“The multiverse within my brain is more divided than ever,” Jace mumbles at me before wiping away a tear and continuing, “and the only person who understood that was gone.” The “man” known as The Theorist sat before me. A grimace spread across his features as he…
INNISTRAD – Emrakul, the Eldrazi titan responsible for invading Innistrad, Zendikar, and some amount of planes we can’t list because they now never existed, released a statement this week confirming her legal team’s efforts to secure a parole hearing. “As an extraplanar being unbounded by time, I have spent the…
*There are better commanders. I want to establish that immediately. Welcome back, lovely readers. I’ve missed you. But I’ve been busy trying to make a deck around Henrika Domnathi. Turns out that’s pretty #%@&ing difficult. There are commanders that cost less mana. Commanders that…
RENTON, WA — Garry Purvis, better known as the Magic: the Gathering content creator Grixis.Garry, has found himself embroiled in his second controversy in as many days. On Monday, after Purvis was announced as an MtG Ambassador for Reality Fracture, multiple female content creators took to social media with allegations…
Following Friday’s release of the Planeswalker’s Guide to Reality Fracture, King of Games, ancient Egyptian pharaoh, and permanent anime high school student Yugi Moto (and his headmate, the Pharaoh Atem) have gone on the record to state that they condemn Jace Beleren for evidently failing to create a healthy understanding…
TENTH DISTRICT, RAVNICA – In an interplanar meeting between the two, progressive New York mayor Zohran Mamdani and Niv-Mizzet, the living Guildpact, discussed their new relationship and how they’re both improving their cities one magical act at a time. Niv-Mizzet has been hosting leaders from around the multiverse in the…
In the wake of Magic’s never-ending spoiler season, you could be forgiven for missing the announcement for “30 Cards + 1 Guaranteed Legendary Rare.” My close circle sure did! Luckily, I was able to grab a pack from my Friendly Local Gas Station (FLGS) on my commute this morning. Let’s…
CHICAGO, IL — In what has been described as a bizarre situation by everyone in attendance, former NBA player Enes Kanter Freedom was escorted by security out of a local game store after reportedly attempting to start and altercation with one of the players. Witnesses say the disturbance happened during…
BROOKLYN, NY- The Magic community is outraged once again, this time in response to revelations that Flock Cameras are tracking and cataloguing players leaving events early because of their piss-poor performance. Originally designed to track the ex-wives of police officers, Flock Cameras have come under increased scrutiny in recent weeks…
SAGINAW, MI – A local Commander Pod has had to slam on the brakes after one of their regular players was forced to install a breathalyzer on their Shorikai, Genesis Engine. Step out of the giant mecha and walk in a straight line…
WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump today announced that he refuses to give up the status of monarch, even though many agree he took political damage from the war in Iran. In Magic: The Gathering rules designated during the release of Conspiracy in 2014, a player can become the monarch…
THE RUBBLEBELT, RAVNICA — In a move locals describe as “surprising” and “welcomingly needed”, the oft-maligned fiery pits of rubble surrounding the Gruul guild halls at Skarrg were repaired by Ravnica city crews earlier this morning. “This is just one small victory in the plan I outlined during my campaign,”…
Sophie Cunningham’s pathetic criticisms of hypothetical trans women do not bear repeating. She is a hateful bigot, and worse, a mediocre player trying to blame trans women for seeing ghosts. There are no trans women in the WNBA. Full stop. Why are you talking about us?…
Washington, D.C. — Back in 2023, in a stunning and highly controversial decision, the United States Supreme Court ruled that while he remains President of the United States, Donald Trump cannot commit “crimes” mechanically in Magic: The Gathering, and (because the Supreme Court barely does their job for most of…
BOTHELL, WA – A local Commander pod is turning up the heat after local player Sean Patterson noticed a particular pattern in his friend and podmate Marc Garvey. After several games, it was noticed that Marc was routinely targeting Sean’s permanents, leading him to wonder if maybe he was feeling…
The Internet – Players were pleasantly surprised this Sunday, August 9th, when Brawl player RatColony772 had a positive experience with the MtG: Arena auto-tapper – it left up UU for Counterspell instead of UR for Expressive Iteration. “I cast Vivi Ornitier, but I completely forgot to tap my lands first,”…
Walnut Creek, CA — A Bay Area rental dispute is turning heads nationwide, as one landlord plans to charge an additional $200 a month table fee for SpellTable and other webcam-based gameplay. How does he justify such a fee? The landlord, who asked to remain anonymous, argued, “Someone playing…
Three Tree City, Bloomburrow — Residents of The Crown have welcomed a peculiar new face to the neighborhood: a kestrel known only as Nicky. “He’s an odd fellow, for sure, but who isn’t in some kinda way?” asked local owl Gennu. “I’ve been around the trees long enough to recognize…
Planet Earth, Milky Way — On Friday, July 31st, Google ‘rolled back’ its new and highly controversial feature that was allowing players who play Magic on digital clients to make and play with their own custom, AI-generated lands. “It was probably the dumbest fucking idea they’ve had in a hot…
Dominaria — “He’s just been sulking in his iceberg ever since the news broke,” Baru, Wurmspeaker told us. “He’s eaten barely any goblins, ransacked any villages, or fucked up any rules lawyers. So yeah, it should go without saying that I’m worried.” With…
Washington, D.C – Over the weekend, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. became angered with Dana Bash on the CNN program State of the Union during a discussion about measles and other diseases. While video of the interview has circulated on social media, Commander’s Herald has obtained a copy of…
Wizards of the Coast recently announced Dungeons and Dragons Universes Beyond, a product guaranteed to have fans Googling “what the hell are those Spider-Man D&D books called again?” We’ve got you covered with this clear and concise guide. Yes, Dungeons and Dragons Universes Beyond is Like…
At MagicCon Amsterdam, Wizards of the Coast announced the return of its Hall of Fame. Once a mainstay of the competitive scene, the Hall was suspended during the pandemic, and finally making a return for 2026. To help our readers understand the new Hall of Fame and the new…
Amsterdam, Netherlands–We here at The Herald have a powerful drive to cover breaking Magic: the Gathering news as soon as it is released to the public. We also have a corporate expense card we regularly charge to attend events under the guise…
Hi there. My name is Red Pixlh3art, and I write for the Commander’s Herald. I’ve been playing Magic since around 2017, I fell in love with Commander first and have since gotten into limited and cube, and I’ve primarily been a Mardu player. My first “real” commander was…
Boston, Massachusetts — At 6:45 PM on Friday, July 17th, local racist Buck Carson was taken to Beth Israel following what doctors suspect may have been a heart attack. Sources close to Carson say that his potential heart attack was quite possibly caused by viewing Friday’s Magic: The Gathering announcement…
