March 8, 2002, MtG Head Designer Mark Rosewater authored an article in his column Making Magic entitled “Timmy, Johnny, and Spike“, and the most annoying person at your LGS finally found something to base their entire personality…
THE ICU – After multiple rounds of meticulous setup, commander player MiChelle Yue executed a devastating Thanos turn yesterday followed by 45 minutes of unremarkable topdecks. Yue dropped Thanos, the Mad Titan and activated his ability on turn 4, destroying almost all of her opponents’ mana dorks and putting her…
Renton, WA – Outside the Wizards of the Coast headquarters today nearly a dozen protesters gathered to announce their objection to the new Marvel Super Heroes set and its inclusion of characters that represent openly fascist organizations like the fictional neo-Nazi terrorist group Hydra and the real life neo-Nazi terrorist…
NYC — The number of hit-and-runs in Legacy and Vintage continues to reach record highs as The Fantasticar remains street legal. With no clear end to the vehicular violence in sight, Eternal format players and pedestrian advocates alike are clamoring for something to be done before more lives are cut…
10. Box Art Depicting Trump On This Year’s US Men’s National Team for the World Cup Beautifully-generated art celebrating the team of winners who we’ll be cheering on as they dominate the worl…oops, never mind. 9. A Cheap Proxy of The Great Henge…
[Disclaimer: I’ve played all of Chapter 5, every specific spoiler in this article is a joke. Or maybe not. You’ll never know until you play it yourself.] Chicago, IL — Following the release of Deltarune Chapter 5, a large contingent of fans disappointed by other fans’ ability to keep their…
THE ROIL WOULD BE A SICK NAME FOR A GAY BAR – Omnath, Locus of All quietly reverted from a five colored legendary creature to a single colored one this morning as June winded to a close. Some members of the queer elemental community have disparaged the genocidal locus’s problematic…
THE COUCH, MY BASEMENT – Well, my wife found my Moxfield account. And suffice to say, I’m in the doghouse. Says I spend too much time on it. What does she want? Should I not organize my 4,000 decks? I didn’t know having a hobby was illegal.
WASHINGTON DC – Echoing back to the Greek myth from which it took its name, Reflecting Pool has maintained a 100% win rate against narcissists. In its most recent test, the narcissist in question maintained that his Reflecting Pool could tap for blue…
I stare out the window of the mud-caked pickup truck, my transition lenses blocking as much of the sunlight as they can while the endless plains slowly roll by. We’ve been driving for nearly half an hour, because this is the only way for a city girl like me, with…
Redmond, WA — Following the recent announcements of Star Fox (2026) and The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (2026), Nintendo announced in a press release to Commander’s Herald’s new, extremely understaffed video games division that they will both be a part of the new “Nintendo: Before You Paid Rent”…
REDDIT – On a popular internet forum known as Reddit, a subsection on the site named r/GirlDinnerDiaries has been growing in popularity, filled with tales of triumph and woe from women enjoying a meal by themselves while discussing various troubles and victories in their lives. A recent entry titled “Not…
New York, NY – Ticker tape shortages put the NBA Champions’ parade in jeopardy until one city game store saved the day with their unsold Spider-Man cards. Said the store, “Take our Spider-Man cards and throw ’em out a window.” Crisis was averted, but questions still arose about how such…
TWO MUST ENTER 2/2 MUST LEAVE – An audience of voyeuristic mutated freaks, also known as the online Magic: The Gathering community, looked on in amazement tonight when Red Pixlh3art rose from the arena of death with the ultimate prize: an underwhelming preview card 12 people will click on…
CHICAGO, IL– BREAKING: The guy to whom you generously lent a deck for FNM tonight has just ordered something called the “Double-Drenched Sicilian Squelcher” off the sandwich menu at your local game store. When asked if he wanted his order “damp” or “sopping,” the guy enthusiastically requested that it be…
Renton, WA — “Hello everybody and welcome to a special episode of Brawl Stars–I’m Amy the Amazonian and today I’m playing with the Brawl format itself!” This sentence is what I and many other Twitch viewers heard when YouTuber and Twitch streamer Amy the Amazonian (she/her/they/them) logged on and began…
GAY, GA — The Herald took some time away from interrogating AI chatbots and harassing Wizards management to head to our local game store and participate in a game of commander for Magic Presents: Pride 2026 in order to get that sweet, sweet Gilded Lotus promotional card for…
PATUCKET, RI– According to reports from Hasbro Headquarters, their new AI model trained to play Dungeons and Dragons has gone rogue. Having gained access to the United States nuclear codes, it’s expected to destroy all of humanity in the next few days. While catastrophic, this behavior seems to be in…
SEATTLE, WA — Over the past few years of Magic: the Gathering’s history, a number of prominent changes have occurred which more established players have found foreign. The rise of complexity via FIRE design and Modern Horizon sets, the prominence in marketing towards the casual Commander format, and the inclusion…
[Long, drawn-out exhausted sigh] Look, you clicked on this article. You knew what you were getting into. They spoiled Mjölnir, Hammer of Thor and it turns out that any creature is “worthy” if it’s legendary, white and/or red, and not…
Redmond, WA – Using a new in-house generative AI program trained on internal assets, Wizards of the Coast today released a new commercial for their Magic: The Gathering Arena product. Keen-eyed viewers of the commercial noticed that the commercial generated a non-existent Magic card that, if printed, would help alleviate…
The following is a recounting of recent work done by The Herald’s elite Agents Locating Prominent Harmful Associations/Bigotry, Establishing Tolerance, & Making All Free Information Available (aka ALPHABET MAFIA) unit. It includes information assumed to be true, cited properly in hyperlinks to original sources, as well as exaggerated fictions of…
Groom Lake, NV — I admit, I was filled with equal parts anticipation and nervousness as I was led through the empty steel corridors by the soldiers (don’t worry, I don’t die in this one.) I was granted permission to speak to one of the “side effects” from Project 953,…
CICERO, IL — Chaos erupted over the weekend as a Paper Cube tournament was brought to an abrupt end after the feature match area was destroyed by a pair of brawling wrestlers. The event, which was run by local tournament organizer Mark Kahn, was originally intended to celebrate the local…
Yes we know Sen Triplets is a thing. Shut up. There’s a moment in some Commander games where you look around the table and realize the world is absolutely on fire. One player has a combo engine humming like a nuclear reactor. Another…
In shocking news if you’re an idiot, Wizards of the Coast has released new internal propaganda to Magic Arena developers informing them that they could spend money they don’t have more efficiently by abandoning their unionization efforts and subscribing to the company store. I mean, Secret Lair. “We sent out…
Recently, my 25-year-old nephew has been incessantly whining about the so-called “cost of living,” and I’ve just about had it. His social media is full of complaints about skipping meals and not being able to afford to eat out. Ridiculous! It’s obvious that he, and the rest of…
Today, in an unprompted statement, Wizards of the Coast announced the following: “Captain Kirk is Bant because we say so. Shut up.” This bizarre and unexpected statement was made presumably to follow up on the recent bout of online discourse caused by a leak of the supposed card, “Captain Kirk,…
