San Francisco, CA — In 2373 on the formerly Cardassian space station Deep Space Nine in orbit around the planet of Bajor, Jake Sisko said the sentence that perfectly sums…
Chicago, IL — The groundbreaking of former president Barack Obama’s presidential library in Chicago’s South Side has been met with varying responses from both locals and liberals nationwide, ranging from…
[Disclaimer: I’ve played all of Chapter 5, every specific spoiler in this article is a joke. Or maybe not. You’ll never know until you play it yourself.] Chicago, IL —…
Redmond, WA — Following the recent announcements of Star Fox (2026) and The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (2026), Nintendo announced in a press release to Commander’s Herald’s new,…
Groom Lake, NV — I admit, I was filled with equal parts anticipation and nervousness as I was led through the empty steel corridors by the soldiers (don’t worry, I…
Irvine, CA — Following the May 6th announcement from Nintendo that they plan on remaking Star Fox 64 for somewhere between the 3rd and 6th time (depending on who you…
Chicago, IL — Seriously, cut it out. I need you to understand that when I say “You’re scaring the hoes,” I mean us. We’re the hoes that you’re scaring. Like,…
Richmond, VA — A series of images of upcoming Magic sets have leaked, and we’ve asked some leading experts in the field of digital forensics to examine and weigh in.
Tokyo, Japan — Internal Konami documents recently leaked to us from an anonymous whistleblower reveal shocking news about the media company’s inner workings and future plans. They range from video…
I swear to fucking god, that shitty anime alter elfball deck is bad enough on its own, but I’m going to examine every single card you play looking at the…
Boston, MA — Last night, at roughly 4:00 AM, local townie and former Harvardite Mash Hoel was another in a series of locals who had that school nightmare again, but…
(Disclaimer: Carmen Klomparens did not actually say any of these things. It’s obviously a joke. C’mon.) Renton, Washington — After Hasbro’s announcement of a multi-year deal…
Lake City, Florida — Silver rank, Master Yi-main Billy Helminster was baffled last night as he came in dead last at his local Riftbound local championship without any teammates to…
Hollywood, CA — Former child star and current satirical news site owner Macaulay Culkin continues to make unexpected waves in both the pop culture and academic culture scenes as he’s…
Richmond, VA — Exciting moments and pleasant surprises were abound the first weekend of February, from the relative lack of Izzet Spellslinger decks to the heartwarming tribute to the late…
Irvine, CA — Many fans of Sonic the Hedgehog and Magic: The Gathering were excited for rumors of a second Sonic Secret Lair Superdrop, but now find themselves confused at…
Poughkeepsie, New York — After sitting through the latest 5 1/2 hour video by Youtuber Spice8Rack about the plane of Segovia and the nightmares of late-stage capitalism, local MtG player…
Iver Heath, England — Photographs taken by bystanders outside of Pinewood Studios near London purport to show the Hulk defeating Doctor Doom after stepping into a field of iron spikes.
Renton, Washington — As the harsh winter approaches, Hasbro’s board of directors huddle around the burning desk of Carmen Klomparens, hoping to stave…
