THE ICU – After multiple rounds of meticulous setup, commander player MiChelle Yue executed a devastating Thanos turn yesterday followed by 45 minutes of unremarkable topdecks. Yue dropped Thanos, the…
THE ROIL WOULD BE A SICK NAME FOR A GAY BAR – Omnath, Locus of All quietly reverted from a five colored legendary creature to a single colored one this…
TWO MUST ENTER 2/2 MUST LEAVE – An audience of voyeuristic mutated freaks, also known as the online Magic: The Gathering community, looked on in amazement tonight when Red…
In shocking news if you’re an idiot, Wizards of the Coast has released new internal propaganda to Magic Arena developers informing them that they could spend money they don’t have…
MAZOMANIE, WI – A group of mercenaries called to adventure were surprised today to find their quest beginning not in a lively tavern, but rather a musty church basement containing…
I DON’T THINK WE’RE IN KANSAS ANYMORE OH WAIT WE ARE IT JUST SUCKS – An exhausted world apathetically sighed this week after a transgender Commander player was targeted for…
A SMALL TOWN WHERE SURELY NOBODY COULD FIND LOVE – A tale of romance unfolded at the local game store earlier this week as, when an opponent asked if anyone would…
PHYREXIA MINNESOTA – Americans are up in arms today after an Immigration and Customs Enforcement officer fatally shot a Magic player who had nothing but an untapped Mountain on their person.
MANHATTAN, NY – A handful of fortunate Magic players were surprised this past weekend while opening their Lorwyn Eclipsed prerelease kits to find something from outside of the set entirely:…
CHANNEL 47 – Laziness has reached new heights this week as workers in charge of grabbing Avatar: The Last Airbender screenshots to replace artwork on Magic: The Gathering cards forgot…
SPOOKY MESOTHELIOMA ATTIC – A group of rowdy college students who uncovered a dusty old Ouija board then decided to play Commander have been thrown into turmoil after the player…
THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD – A bizarre questionnaire sent out by Wizards of the Coast last week asked Magic players if any specific influencers affected their views on the…
SHITASS GAMES – For their upcoming Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Prerelease event, one devoted local game store has delved headfirst into immersion by shrouding their business in the smell of…
(Photo by Nick Wolf) ATLANTA, GA – Multiple keen eyed viewers of last week’s MagicCon Atlanta preview panel noticed what appeared to be head Magic designer…
SYRACUSE, NY wait I mean LOUISVILLE, KY – Card game vendors are in a frenzy this morning after the cheap AI’s TCGPlayer “hired” to replace their human employees voted to…
TABLE – While watching her D&D players enter hour six of planning how they’re going to steal from the Blarblegarble Bank, Dungeon Master Zoe Bagends contemplated how simple it would…
I’M SO TIRED – Ultimate Guard, the corporation behind ok TCG accessories, came under fire last week after it was discovered that they used AI Photoshop tools I don’t even…
GET A LAWYER – After seeing a vague, colorful piece of cardboard mug an old woman on Monday morning, the only witness to the crime found themselves unable to finger…
MADISON, WI – Local scissoring/roller derby champion Amber Keldemeldy was shocked this week to discover that not only is the morning news a thing people still watch, but that her…
URZA’S FACTORY – Once a starry eyed child doodling cards somehow more balanced than most of the crap on r/custommagic, card designer Nadine Elliot’s spirit has been broken after years…
LEAST SMELLY LGS IN TOWN – A tense scene was defused this morning after a player who said they were playing Omnath clarified that they meant Omnath, and not Omnath,…
Don’t harass anyone you fucks. This is a satirical, exaggerated article. The folks behind a silly card game show are not horrible people I…
MAIN PHASE 2 – A 1/1 human token’s understanding of reality crumbled today after being used to pay for the cross-dressing Cloud version of…
TARKIR – An investigation/robbery by Jeskai authorities this week discovered that Sarkhan Vol‘s dragon obsession is balancing on a dangerous precipice after his…
COLUMBUS, OH – Hearts were not shattered this morning when the notorious Dockside Extortionist was denied appeal for banlist parole after serving six months of a life sentence. “What we’re…
"Nobody is listening to me when clearly I know what's best. It's like they're in denial about the obvious danger they're in. How do you live like that?"
Other restrictions include only playing Tovolar on a full moon, Talrand at high tide, and Liliana never because he's afraid of intimacy.
The card has drawn criticism for being overpowered. Senior staff in R&D were told it was fine by Playtesting, but they were all of them deceived.
