Somewhere in the Multiverse, Twitter — Notorious former planeswalker and presumed future antagonist Nicol Bolas stunned many on both sides of the multiversal political spectrum when, following Tuesday’s stunning “bluenami”…
Local Game Store, Swing State — Local liberal Connor Cishett White has just decided that today, November 3rd 2026, is the perfect time to debut his new, never-before-seen “policial-slash-voting themed”…
Ravnica — Earlier today, Living Guildpact Niv-Mizzet made the historic and highly rare decision, even among presumably left-wing politicians, to refuse to ban transgender women from various sporting competitions in…
Ao3, the World Wide Web — Following Friday’s announcement of yet another Marvel Magic: The Gathering set, while many people are talking about important things, like how this is the…
Hexhaven Academy Tower — Recently, “The Theorist,” Jace Beleren, made the somewhat dubious claim that he has created, or is intending to create, a Multiverse without suffering. Given the extremely…
Following Friday’s release of the Planeswalker’s Guide to Reality Fracture, King of Games, ancient Egyptian pharaoh, and permanent anime high school student Yugi Moto (and his headmate, the Pharaoh Atem)…
Washington, D.C. — Back in 2023, in a stunning and highly controversial decision, the United States Supreme Court ruled that while he remains President of the United States, Donald Trump…
Planet Earth, Milky Way — On Friday, July 31st, Google ‘rolled back’ its new and highly controversial feature that was allowing players who play Magic on digital clients to make…
Hi there. My name is Red Pixlh3art, and I write for the Commander’s Herald. I’ve been playing Magic since around 2017, I fell in love with Commander first and have…
Boston, Massachusetts — At 6:45 PM on Friday, July 17th, local racist Buck Carson was taken to Beth Israel following what doctors suspect may have been a heart attack. Sources…
On Friday, at MagiCon: Amsterdam, Wizards of the Coast announced the three upcoming in-universe Magic: The Gathering sets for 2027–and one of them is a combination of two planes we’ve…
I stare out the window of the mud-caked pickup truck, my transition lenses blocking as much of the sunlight as they can while the endless plains slowly roll by. We’ve…
Renton, WA — “Hello everybody and welcome to a special episode of Brawl Stars–I’m Amy the Amazonian and today I’m playing with the Brawl format itself!” This sentence is what…
[Long, drawn-out exhausted sigh] Look, you clicked on this article. You knew what you were getting into. They spoiled Mjölnir, Hammer…
Today, in an unprompted statement, Wizards of the Coast announced the following: “Captain Kirk is Bant because we say so. Shut up.” This bizarre and unexpected statement was made presumably…
Silicon Valley, CA — I, Red of the Commander’s Herald, believe that I speak for the whole world when I come to the various tech and finance CEOs among the…
In Friday’s announcement regarding the upcoming Reality Fracture standard set, Wizards of the Coast has presumably unintentionally proven the well-known adage that straight men can’t write fanfiction. My name is…
San Francisco, CA — In yet another of the seemingly-endless funding rounds for software company, self-styled miracle factory, and future Enron-scale market atrocity OpenAI, known moron and CEO Sam Altman…
Washington, D.C. — President Trump will be appointing notorious former planeswalker and current antagonist Nicol Bolas to the new, not-yet-established Department Of Just Plain Evil, as announced in a press…
New York, NY — Reports from a local game store reveal that players may have located the protagonist. Of… everything, it seems. We followed up to investigate. “She just…
Undisclosed Location — A Wizards of the Coast designer has just gone on the record to say that their team does, in fact, purposefully design cards to upset specific YouTubers.
San Francisco, CA — CEO Dennis “Thresh” Fong said today in a private statement that he and his coworkers at AI voice moderation company GGWP are “disappointed” that, as their…
Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer is, according to an anonymous Senator with a pair of Glasses of Urza, currently holding a copy…
New York City’s new mayor Zohran Mamdani promised to crack down on “basic landlords” in a press statement earlier today. “For too long have the basic landlords in this city…
As of last Thursday, February 26th, the Kansas state legislature has made a move expected to, among other things, place a very significant amount of skilled Magic: The Gathering players…
RENTON, WA — Earlier today, Wizards of the Coast’s corporate team proudly announced an upcoming set for 2027: “Universes Beyond: Magic: The Gathering.” It’s quite a departure for the company’s…
