Chicago South Side Natives, Liberals Conflicted About Obama’s Newly Erected Phyrexian Tower
Chicago, IL — The groundbreaking of former president Barack Obama’s presidential library in Chicago’s South Side has been met with varying responses from both locals and liberals nationwide, ranging from cautious optimism, to anger, to abject terror.
“Now, as much as I love our former president,” explain Bud Wickley, local entrepreneur and used car dealership franchisee, “the way that horrifying obelisk he’s erected in Jackson Park that hums with the anguished souls of a thousand of dead worlds is honestly not only an eyesore, but is also affecting our property values in confusing and arcane ways. Overall, not a fan.”
“I hate it,” said barista Anxiety Clemont. “Since it’s apparently a national landmark now, the rent has skyrocketed in the neighborhood. It’s nearly doubled in the shrieking maw that became the tower’s shadow, and I really don’t want to move out to the suburbs. The transit situation alone will be a nightmare. Plus, the ink-black ichor that the tower produces turned my cat into some kind of homunculus of flesh and steel, and his night zoomies have ruined my deposit.”
Some are less negative. “I think it’s a brilliant move by our former president,” Democrat advisor Chittering Bloodharvest told us. “The tower allows the party to reach across the aisle to the GOP and accomplish shared goals, such as sacrificing constituents to gain black mana to cast Animate Dead on Mitch McConnell in exchange for helping the President cast his Virtue of Persistence. Bloodharvest pulled out a small white rat from his desk and jammed a proboscis into its skull, and proceeded to extract its brain matter and other organs with a sickeningly loud sucking noise, and then continued. “This will really pay off for us in the 2032 elections, I believe.”
Lastly, we were fortunate to gain an audience and get a few answers from the former president himself. “I’m very proud to attach my name to this new library, which will help serve not only to remind the American people of the legacy of my historic presidency, but also inspire new generations of Americans that they, too, can achieve such goals.” I then proceeded to pull out my phone and show him a photograph of his library, spewing midnight-colored oil over the grounds of Jackson Park to create a moat which turns all those who approach into nightmarish slaves to New Phyrexia, and asked him if this was intentional on his part. He took my phone from me, studied it for what felt like an agonizingly long 30 seconds, and looked back at me.
“Shit. I thought it was going to be a Library of Leng.”
