Blood-Soaked Content Creator Emerges From Thunderdome With Unplayable Spoiler Card

TWO MUST ENTER 2/2 MUST LEAVE – An audience of voyeuristic mutated freaks, also known as the online Magic: The Gathering community, looked on in amazement tonight when Red Pixlh3art rose from the arena of death with the ultimate prize: an underwhelming preview card 12 people will click on after seeing a screenshot of it by itself on Reddit. 

When reached for comment before the battle, Pixlh3art admitted that every day is already a fight for survival, and this is just the natural progression.

“My access to health care is inexorably tied to how many people click on my post of Hulk’s left testicle or whatever, so I’m fighting tooth and nail to get my meds. Haha, wow what a funny satirical dystopian premise,” she said while shooting us finger guns through tears.

Upon seeing the MacGuffin in question, a vanilla 2/2 for 2 that’s legendary for some fucking reason, lowered into the pit, the niche trading card game internet personalities bellowed primal war cries and charged at one another with deadly intent. Pixlh3art quickly emerged victorious, tossing The Professor’s severed head to the emperor atop his throne of Cocks and basking in her glory.

Vicious warlord and notable enjoyer of human suffering Chris Cocks was quite amused by the peasants offering their lives to grasp a mere fragment of the gifts within his power to give.

“We used some PR agency to dole out spoilers for the longest time,” began Cocks, while eating his family members’ hearts to gain their strength. “But our own team has been doing so well lately, we decided to wing it. For some reason people are still hung up on the ONE time we hired actual murderers to protect our trading cards, so I figured–when in Rome, use the Colosseum.”

The barren wasteland housing the jungle gym of death lies beside an AI data center Hasbro built so that Mr. Potato Head can talk more realistically. This part isn’t a joke.