My Wife Found My Moxfield And Wants to Talk

THE COUCH, MY BASEMENT – Well, my wife found my Moxfield account. And suffice to say, I’m in the doghouse.

Says I spend too much time on it. What does she want? Should I not organize my 4,000 decks?

I didn’t know having a hobby was illegal.

I should have known this day would come. My username is the same as when we met on Club Penguin.

So, so dumb of me. She was bound to find it.

She says the worst part is that I hid it from her. That I lied by omission.

I didn’t hide it! I just didn’t announce it! Lucky she didn’t find my unlisted decks. 

…

Oh god, she brought her sister over to help out. They totally ambushed me.

Asked me, “How can you organize more than 4,000 decks, but organizing the garage is an insurmountable challenge?”

First of all, I have undiagnosed arachnophobia, and I’m unmedicated. I didn’t sign up to be interrogated.

…

They continued interrogating me.

Yes, I remember the exact date when I played each deck! I put it in the notes! It’s important to me!

No, that has no impact on whether or not I remembered to “pick the children up” from Rec league.

Her sister yells, “You don’t even know what position little Jim-Jam even plays!” 

I don’t even know what sport my son plays. Maybe, just maybe, he could pick an activity I’m actually interested in if he actually wanted my attention??? Hmm???

…

Our first couple’s therapy session was today. It didn’t go well.

I’m not happy with the therapist we picked. She is in complete cahoots with my wife.  

They both agree it’s “problematic” to have over 500 decks wholly dedicated to Olivia Voldaren, each with commissioned art.

Guess what? I have my own credit card. I can go into debt if I so choose.

And guess what again? I’m supporting local artists. That’s bad now? I’m the bad guy for supporting local artists??

…

Would it kill my wife to even chuckle at my hilarious deck names? “Liv Sucks You Dry” is funny! Get it? She’s a vampire!

Instead, I get yelled at. Like always.

I suppose I do have a few “So-and-So Sucks You Dry” decks. Lots of commanders suck me- my opponents dry!!

But the stupid therapist just wouldn’t let it go.

“Can you understand why your wife might object to all of these sexualized deck names?”

Life is horny! Sex is real and happens! I refuse to live my life according to your Puritanical deck-naming principles!

“Even Shelob? Shelob sucks you dry?”

Admittedly, I was picturing the Shelob from Middle-earth: Shadow of War.

“Oh, I see. He has a point there.”

I’m really happy with the therapist we picked.

…

Seems I’m reaching the end of my marriage. All because my wife just can’t handle me having hobbies.

Get this, she put a parental lock on our computer!

Blocked Moxfield, Archidekt, and XHamster. Said the code is our anniversary.

So now I’m stuck in the basement on my iPad, hiding from the Stasi, and building a new deck.

I’m gonna call it “My Wife Sucks Me Dry of Joy”

Wonder what she’s making for dinner. I hope it’s meatloaf.