HEARTHHULL — Seedship Scientists studying local Lorewyn flora have made a shocking announcement in a paper published in Magical Nature. A new invasive species of turtle was discovered wreaking havoc on the local wildlife. Lys Alana representatives have refused to comment on the matter,…
MANHATTAN, NY – A handful of fortunate Magic players were surprised this past weekend while opening their Lorwyn Eclipsed prerelease kits to find something from outside of the set entirely: living box turtles stuffed inside with serial numbers stapled to them. This latest promotion feels like a slap in the…
UPDATE: Wizards of The Coast has revealed that an upcoming Secret Lair product will not only contain new Fallout cards based on the Amazon TV show, but also reprint cards from the previous Universes Beyond set. We were blind to think that Wizards wouldn’t take an opportunity to make piles…
Fond Du Lac, Wisconsin Local Pokémon Trading Card Game player and collector Stu Vogel was shocked to see a Walmart shelf fully stocked with Pokémon Mega Evolution Phantasmal Flames Elite Trainer Boxes. Collectibles like these have been in the news as the rarity of certain products from Japan and their…
Gainesville, FL–A local friend group has been pushed into unfriendly discourse as debate rages over which Intellectual Property the new Magic the Gathering set is from. “I started playing for Final Fantasy Avatar, and I recognize Sonic the Hedgehog Cronos from God of War, but when I saw…
Tomb Raider. Doctor Who. Iron Maiden. Furby. For the past few years, Magic: the Gathering’s Secret Lair initiative has begun incorporating properties spanning the spectrum of the niche interests many Magic players hold dear into the game. With their latest collaboration, Wizards of the Coasts has decided to…
Mount Pleasant, WI – Confusion and anger plague local residents after “the world’s most powerful” AI datacenter was recently built within the city, which has caused a massive drain on many of the town’s resources. The need for cooling at the Microsoft’s auspiciously-named Fairwater datacenter has gotten so severe that…
BROOKLYN, NY — The Magic: the Gathering world has been abuzz since last week, following growing speculation your deck’s favorite card is about to be traded. “I’ve been in this deck for many years, but I don’t feel I have the titles to show for it. I only have so…
The new year is upon us. It’s time to self-reflect and work on addressing our flaws as people and, more importantly, Magic players. For those of you looking to net deck your personality, we’ve assembled some resolutions to help you briefly improve before going back to your usual vices in a…
Poughkeepsie, New York — After sitting through the latest 5 1/2 hour video by Youtuber Spice8Rack about the plane of Segovia and the nightmares of late-stage capitalism, local MtG player and college student Walter Doran decided to sit down and read through the theories of Karl Marx. “Oh. Oh, aww…
Hi there, reader! I’m Dr. Foxglove, and I’m a new addition to the Commander’s Herald. I talk about things like death, sex, and trauma; and I use Magic: the Gathering to help me do it. It would make sense, then, that our…
Iver Heath, England — Photographs taken by bystanders outside of Pinewood Studios near London purport to show the Hulk defeating Doctor Doom after stepping into a field of iron spikes. This is believed to have been added recently after one of Avengers: Doomsday’s many, many late rewrites. A source near…
Christmas is right around the corner, and we here at Commander’s Herald know how stressful budgeting can be this time of year. After 6 Standard Legal sets and licensing-led price increases, with 7 more on the way next year, many are struggling with how to afford gifts. Thankfully, we have…
WASHINGTON, DC – Rejecting demands from Secretary of War Pete Hegseth, Hasbro will continue to sell the iconic Battleship board game with a full rulebook included. This latest clash between the Trump administration and the private sector began after Arizona’s senior Senator Mark Kelly “humiliated”…
ST. CLOUD, MN – Cuffing season is upon us. The time of year when the nights grow longer and colder, pushing people to seek solace in romantic couplings. But one local man has found another way to cope with his loneliness during the winter months: Cube Draft. …
EVERYWHERE, THE INTERNET — This past week yet another phenomenon happened in the greater Magic: The Gathering news cycle. Mere hours after releasing their planned second chapter for Lorwyn Eclipsed, a multiversal sized shadow was cast over the set’s moment when the first round of Marvel Super Heroes…
BELLEVUE, WA — The conclusion of Magic: The Gathering World Championship for 2025 was packed full of drama for all the wrong reasons. The scandal began when eventual champion Seth Manfield, in full view of several judges, attempted to Quench a Deep Cavern Bats that was uncounterable due to opponent…
FOND DU LAC, WISCONSIN — For weeks, local game stores have been sold out of Icebreaker Krakens and Lumbering Megasloths. Curse of the Cabal has seen a 500% price increase from demand. Murmurs online of a Eternal Dominion ban have bubbled up. But none of this is driven by the latest…
HARVEY CEDARS, NJ – Leaks from the upcoming Magic set have hit the internet, and the hype is real amongst the player base because a new artifact token does some bullshit. Joining the likes of Food, Clues, and Treasures, et al., in the pantheon of…
RANDOM COFFEE HOUSE - I went to a coffee house to have a talk with Dwight Schrute about his recent Secret Lair and how he thinks Secret Lair is going. He was already there when we got there to talk. We sat with him introduced ourselves and started the interview with him. Commanders Herald: "How do you feel about Secret Lair even though for many people they did not enjoy that yours existed?" Dwight Schrute: "I think it's going well. As you saw mine sold out immediately and that shows that people are actually interested in seeing me on a magic card." CH: "Right but don't you think Wizards of the Coast are starting to not really care about its audience, but caring about money instead?" DS: "Not really. That's how a company makes money is to sell things they know will sell." As the interview went on it seemed like he was all for how low WotC has come along with Secret Lair. While we were talking it seemed like without us noticing he played the UNO reverse card on us and started interviewing us. DS: "How do you feel about the direction WotC is taking Secret Lair? Are you happy with it or is it not going well?"\ CH: "Well I thought it was fine when they stuck with the fantasy theme. Hell even when they did Fallout it was fine because it was just a video game. Spider-Man is a little sketchy because it's based in New York City. But yours is real bad. It's basically the same as going across the hall, pointing at some rando name Joe and beeing like "That's the next face of Magic: the Gathering". It just doesn't fit or work." After that something changed. The air just shifted. We were scared for our lives, but in the end he just got up and left without saying anything. He also left6 us with the bill which was a total douche move. We paid the bill and left not wanting to deal with him ever again. Now we're back at the office kind of scared to publish this because it seems WotC sees a joke and makes it a Secret Lair so we're probably going to see Secret Lair: My Friend Across the Hall next.
Wizards of the Coast has revealed it is partnering up with your favorite thing for its next release. The IP you’ve always wanted is finally coming to Magic, but maybe not in the form you expected. Confirmed during the latest Hasbro earnings call, CEO Chris Cocks described that thing you…
OMAHA, NE – Local father and D&D player Phillip Grossman reportedly fell into a midlife crisis after an incident at his son’s birthday. Suffering a humiliating defeat at the hooves of a pony rented for the birthday, he realized he couldn’t defeat a single creature with a challenge…
Renton, Washington — As the harsh winter approaches, Hasbro’s board of directors huddle around the burning desk of Carmen Klomparens, hoping to stave off a freezing death for another night. “The trek has been long and arduous, and I fear we may not…
RENTON, WASHINGTON–Executives at Wizards of the Coast are scrambling after getting zero new applicants to their creator program last quarter. Sources within the Hasbro subsidiary point to one culprit for the sudden drop in interest: The White House. Often confused with Magic the Gathering card…
Washington, D.C. – As the government begins to return to work following the longest government shutdown on record, many returning politicians are starting up their Magic: The Gathering play groups again. During a recent game Democrat Senator Corbin Leisch gave his opponent a massive advantage by allowing the player to…
CHANNEL 47 – Laziness has reached new heights this week as workers in charge of grabbing Avatar: The Last Airbender screenshots to replace artwork on Magic: The Gathering cards forgot to remove an iCarly promotional splash from the bottom of the screen. Wizards of the Coast admit the original plan…
THE INTERNET — The latest Secret Lair Drop went live this week, and Magic: The Gathering players took to socials to report yet another frustrating experience that left them empty-handed, just as it had many times before. “I can’t believe this happened again,…
SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Technology Information Consultants CEO John Rogers has revealed that he is preparing an ally typal deck in preparation for next June. The deck is an important part of Rogers’ branding strategy as both a representative of his company and a Magic…
