That Thing You Like Is Getting A Universes Beyond Mini-Set, Because Wizards Hates You Personally

Wizards of the Coast has revealed it is partnering up with your favorite thing for its next release. The IP you’ve always wanted is finally coming to Magic, but maybe not in the form you expected.

Confirmed during the latest Hasbro earnings call, CEO Chris Cocks described that thing you like more than anything as an “important moment for Magic: The Gathering, as, I can’t lie, we have no delusion that this is going to be a successful release in any capacity.”

“It was going to be a Commander deck, but, instead,” Cocks continued, after a brief spell of muffled laughter, “We just wanted to experiment with screwing with you, the person who is reading this, in particular.”

In a follow-up press release, the thing you really like will be a non-draftable, Standard-legal, 50-card miniset, released in a new type of three-card “Middle Finger Booster”. It will only contain maybe half of the characters you actually wanted to see, with little to no synergy between them.

One card already shown has been your favorite character, a five-color commander that draws cards and gains you life, but with exactly none of the flair that made the character memorable in the first place. With art by your least favourite artist to bring the whole package together.

Speaking about the set, senior designer Hubert Mathers said, “The thing you like has really deep world full of stories to tell, and we’ve made sure to include exactly none of them. The best bit for me, as a designer, is the knowledge we’ll never come back to this property after it bombs, so good luck waiting for any sort of follow-up!”

Fortunately, the thing you really like will also be getting a series of Secret Lairs. One will feature basic lands themed around your least favourite character, while another will have a selection of random artifacts nobody has played since 2003. The final drop features decent reprints of valuable cards like Cyclonic Rift, Anointed Procession, and Urza’s Saga, but new changes to the Secret Lair checkout system will also ensure it sells out before you get the chance to buy them.

The thing you like will go on sale some time next year, probably some time between Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Star Trek. Unless the thing you really like is Magic: The Gathering, in which case it’ll come out some time between the Frozen and Doom sets due for release in 2029.