Hasbro Defies Hegseth: Sells Battleship with Rulebook Included

WASHINGTON, DC – Rejecting demands from Secretary of War Pete Hegseth, Hasbro will continue to sell the iconic Battleship board game with a full rulebook included.

This latest clash between the Trump administration and the private sector began after Arizona’s senior Senator Mark Kelly “humiliated” Secretary Hegseth in a game of Battleship. Losing all his ships before sinking a single one of Kelly’s, Hegseth reportedly stormed out of the room and sprinted to the nearest bar. While sitting on the toilet after his ninth round, the Secretary Truthed out a video of his demands for Hasbro.

“Battleship must get rid of the dumb rulebook! It stands in the way of a True Alpha Mentality! Our warfighters will not be prepared if Big Toy continues to punish masculine aggression, [inaudible due to flushing], and a Warrior’s spirit!”

Asked to provide some clarity on Hegseth’s demands, Senator Kelly responded, “Pete was just bad at the game. Like, every time he scored a hit, he’d guess the exact same square again the next turn. Which was odd because he also cheated constantly, leaning over to my side to peek.”

The Herald, residing in the newly vacated AP office at the Pentagon after pinky-promising to “not be nerds,” followed up with Hegseth on the cheating allegations. “I was simply gathering intel — that’s short for intelligence for you civvies out there — on my foe. Those who sit in air-conditioned offices cannot possibly understand the tough decisions we must make in the fog of war.”

Asked for comment on the situation, Hasbro CEO Chris Cocks released: “It’s no secret that all of us here at Hasbro barely respect our customers, but a game with no rulebook would be awful, terrible even for the winner.”

Cocks lengthened, “Sure, in our present day, you’d think any reasonable person would know how to conduct themselves during a game of Battleship, but it’s always good to have a reminder.”

Cocks finished, “Hasbro is more than happy to start a dialogue with the administration. But, with all due respect to the Secretary, we must also refuse his demand to add a formalized drinking element to Battleship. The game is designed for ages 8 and up.”

Investors hope for a quick resolution to the drama. This is Hasbro’s second dustup with the White House in recent months, as the company was forced to shelve a planned Halloween release of an RFK Jr.-themed Operation after test audiences reviewed it as “harrowing”.