WotC Struggles to find New Content Creators after RFK Jr “Cures” Autism
RENTON, WASHINGTON–Executives at Wizards of the Coast are scrambling after getting zero new applicants to their creator program last quarter. Sources within the Hasbro subsidiary point to one culprit for the sudden drop in interest: The White House. Often confused with Magic the Gathering card Baru, Wurmspeaker, Robert F Kennedy Jr, The United States Secretary of Health and Human Services, has taken aim at curing autism spectrum disorder over the course of his time in office. When asked what he meant by that a 4/4 wurm burst from the secretary’s left nostril, and the area became unsafe for Commander Herald journalists to receive comments. Aides for the Secretary issued a statement insisting damage to the East Wing was all planned despite what appears to be massive structural instability.
Pictured: US Secretary of Health of Human Services aides.
Wizards employees appear to be split on the matter. Higher ups have yet to comment on the matter, but sources who wish to remain anonymous have indicated that Wizard’s Influencer Manager was overheard on the phone saying, “This is awesome; I don’t have shit to do!” Ripples of jealousy throughout the middle-managers within the company have created a toxicity that has been described as palpable, and HR is preparing to receive a bevvy of requests to work from home. The future of the program remains unclear.
