Hasbro Executives Begin Burning Wizards of the Coast Office Furniture For Warmth

Renton, Washington — As the harsh winter approaches, Hasbro’s board of directors huddle around the burning desk of Carmen Klomparens, hoping to stave off a freezing death for another night.

“The trek has been long and arduous, and I fear we may not see this through to the other end,” Hasbro Chair of the Board Richard Stoddart told our reporters. “Nobody wants to buy anything except for rare cards, because they’re starting to realize that Monopoly has never been fun to play and that the new generation of My Little Pony isn’t as good as that other one. You know, the one with Rainbow Dash?” “We arrived at this checkpoint hoping for food and sustenance,” further explained Frank Gibeau, director of Finance and Capital Allocation, “but we found only meager supplies and bitter winds. They won’t even agree to release eight sets a year!”

“Their pitiable ways are something that can be taught away,” Gavin Verhey said to us. “They must become one with the creative economy, and see that it is the customers who control the winds and tides, not them.” His optimism waned as he continued, however. “Or, at least, I hope they can be taught away. Otherwise we’re gonna be in trouble.” Upon hearing an executive claim they wouldn’t have to pay licensing fees for a G.I. Joe set, Verhey responded, “Does anyone know if Ravensburger is hiring?”

Mark Rosewater reportedly watched from a distant hill, opining that “they are weak and will not survive the season. They refuse to wear the furs of the animals they have trapped, and don’t understand that if they just let us do what we’ve always done and stopped trying to squeeze blood from the stone, we’d continue to make them a profit.” He then turned away, and continued, “Such is the way of the executive. Nothing but folly and disaster, seeking only infinite growth…” before walking out of sight, into the freezing wilderness.

“I just want some place to put my laptop,” claimed Klomparens.