Lonely Magic Player Commits to New Format in Cuffing Season
ST. CLOUD, MN – Cuffing season is upon us. The time of year when the nights grow longer and colder, pushing people to seek solace in romantic couplings. But one local man has found another way to cope with his loneliness during the winter months: Cube Draft.
Evan Alfsen, a 29-year-old man who has been single since 2019, began his relationship with the format in late November. “It was a cold, snowy Saturday night,” shared. “I felt depressed and lonely, like there was a hole missing in my life. A deep soul-crushing loneliness. That’s when I realized the solution was sitting right in front of me, turning all my Magic chaff into a Cube.”
While cuffing is typically a term reserved for romantic couplings, experts say this type of pop-culture coupling during the winter season is increasingly common. Other examples include re-downloading Final Fantasy XIV or binge-watching critically acclaimed sitcoms from the 1970s.
Friends of Alfsen report that he’s been spending all of his free time and money on the new format. “Evan bought like a thousand commons from our game shop,” concerned friend Amalia Waller told our reporters. “We all know when spring comes around, he’s going to drop the Cube, and then he’s going to be left with all these cards he’ll never touch again.”
“It’s sad to see a nice Commander player like him getting drawn into Cube Draft just to stave off the Holiday blues,” said Charles Summerfield, who has been happily married for over a decade. “I just don’t see how it’s healthy for him or for the Cube. I tried setting him up with a Modern deck. Something more serious, he could have a future with. But instead, he’s just overcommitting to something casual like always.”
Victoria Bustos was more sympathetic to her friend’s decision, “Last December, I dated a guy who was really into Phish. I get it. At least he won’t have to get an STI test if he realizes he’s not actually into Cube Drafting in a few months. Besides, who knows, maybe he really does love his Cube.”
Alfsen was dismissive of his friend’s concerns. “Everyone thinks it’s just a temporary way to distract myself from being lonely on the holidays,” he explained. “But I think it could be a real long-term distraction from being lonely all the time. When I can’t sleep at night, I’m not thinking about life passing me by; I’m considering if Swords to Plowshares is too strong as an uncommon in the Cube. I think this format could really be the one for me.”
Alfsen was last seen publicly replacing cards in his Cube after buying a new set of mana rocks for better mana smoothing. Reports are divided on whether that public display was inappropriately intimate or just kind of sad.
