THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD – A bizarre questionnaire sent out by Wizards of the Coast last week asked Magic players if any specific influencers affected their views on the Communist Party (and/or the Spider-Man Universes Beyond set). The question in question uses the acronym Reviewer Entertainer Dissenting Streamer (REDS)…
Washington, D.C. – During one of his usual incomprehensible and rambling speeches, 34-time convicted felon and former star of The Apprentice Donald Trump announced that he will be sending the National Guard to yet another city. The deployment was made because Trump has been spending the past few days drafting…
SHITASS GAMES – For their upcoming Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Prerelease event, one devoted local game store has delved headfirst into immersion by shrouding their business in the smell of poop water for the past 30 years. The community has lovingly rallied around the event, with some members going so…
Original Painting by vadimdolgovart SEATTLE, WA – Wizards of the Coast is proud to announce its collaboration with one of the biggest richest pop stars of our time: Taylor Swift. Swifties have deep pockets which is exactly the kind of demo WotC is targeting…
In a post on their social media accounts, Wizards of the Coast today announced that, due to the increased volume of intellectual properties being brought into Magic: The Gathering via Universes Beyond, all Commander games going forward should begin with an explanation of your commander’s lore. Universes Beyond has brought…
Chaos erupted on the set of the latest episode of Jubilee’s Surrounded, “1 Magic Pro vs 20 Commander Players” as an argument broke out among the EDH players over whose turn it was to debate the pro next. The controversy began almost immediately after the clock started, when commander player…
Dear Commander’s Herald, How do I convince my doctor that life is just a resource? He insists that I should be exercising, eating healthy, and taking my prescription medications in some sort of life gain strategy. While I’m not opposed to life gain in principle, it’s…
(Photo by Nick Wolf) ATLANTA, GA – Multiple keen eyed viewers of last week’s MagicCon Atlanta preview panel noticed what appeared to be head Magic designer Mark Rosewater sending a hidden plea for salvation between the thirteenth and fourteenth product announcements. Rosewater himself has denied the…
Atlanta, GA – Magic: The Gathering fans descended upon Atlanta this weekend to attend MagicCon, one of the biggest card game events of the year. Fans from around the world got together to play the game they love, see content creators and game developers they enjoy, and spend more money…
Toledo, OH – Local Magic: The Gathering fan Craig Duffy, upset over not having enough funds to travel to Atlanta for this past weekend’s MagicCon, spent the day reorganizing lands in an attempt to quell his wanderlust. Duffy, who was recently laid off from his management position at Jimmy John’s…
The final season of the hit Netflix show Stranger Things is set to release in November, but a new leak has spoiled the show’s shocking finale. In one of the show’s signature nods to old-school Dungeons & Dragons, the protagonists…
As Universes Beyond continues introduce Magic: The Gathering to other pop culture fandoms, the release of Magic: The Gathering® | Marvel’s Spider-Man has also introduced new frustrations for the fans of Spider-Man comics. “They make the tiny bags but no tiny boards, how is this possible?” asked Vince Ramirez, a…
This past weekend saw plenty of Prerelease events around the country for the new Marvel’s Spider-Man Magic: The Gathering set. However, it has been reported that many local game stores had small or non-existent crowds for the new comic book hero cards. After being presented evidence, we here at Commander’s…
Renton, WA – Wizards of the Coast amended a press release today for a new Play-Doh-based Secret Lair product to indicate a flaw with the cards: they will dry out, like Play-Doh, if you leave them unsleeved. This is yet another issue with recent card quality which Wizards took steps…
Washington, D.C. – Former director of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms, current acting director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, and sycophant Kash Patel claimed another investigative victory this week during a game of Magic: The Gathering. Along with the claim that he caught Charlie Kirk’s alleged shooter…
SYRACUSE, NY wait I mean LOUISVILLE, KY – Card game vendors are in a frenzy this morning after the cheap AI’s TCGPlayer “hired” to replace their human employees voted to unionize their virtual workplace. “Today marks a historic moment in worker’s rights,” announced Hailey, an artificial intelligence customer support rep…
Pawtucket, RI – Gaming company Hasbro has announced that Spider-Man will no longer be coming to any of their board game applications, and will be replaced with newly-popular Magic: The Gathering star Fleem, Goben’s Creation. While many believe this is due to Fleem’s budding positive relationship with audiences, it is…
St. Paul, MN — Local Pokémon fan Alex Griffith drew attention at his local game shop, Fully Evolved Games, when he pulled a small shredder out of his backpack and destroyed his own cards after a loss. Many found his calm, almost pleased, expression troubling as he destroyed…
TABLE – While watching her D&D players enter hour six of planning how they’re going to steal from the Blarblegarble Bank, Dungeon Master Zoe Bagends contemplated how simple it would be to rob the City Bank branch across the street. “I could just walk in, hand the teller a note,…
New York, NY– Daily Bugle photographer Peter Parker recently sat down with us to discuss his disappointment over the pricing of Magic: The Gathering’s upcoming Spider-Man set. Known for taking photographs of New York’s own wall-crawling hero, Parker is feeling left out by the price increases. As a…
Renton, Washington Hasbro subsidiary Wizards of the Coast, the creators of Alpha Blitz and the Simpsons Trading Card Game, announced another installation in their lucrative and therefore popular “Universes Beyond” line of products. “This is already our best pre-selling Secret Lair” gushed Wizards spokesperson Jake Gustafson, “and we think that…
Redmond, WA – In response to a recent Tolarian Community College video advertising a new line of college-centric memorabilia, Wizards of The Coast released a video mocking the products in the style of the Secret Lair Alert videos from the prolific YouTube profile. TCC regularly releases videos deriding the fact…
FRESNO, CA — 62-year-old Jimmy Sie runs a produce stand outside of his local game shop. For over a decade, he has made his living selling fresh fruits and vegetables a few yards from Cyclonic Thrift. Unfortunately for Sie, his proximity to nerds and the return…
Erie, PA – A Commander play group at a local game store collectively worried about a fourth in their group who spent a recent match skipping every “may” ability in card rules text. The player, Chase Locuer, seemed distant and “out of it”, according to the other players in his…
I’M SO TIRED – Ultimate Guard, the corporation behind ok TCG accessories, came under fire last week after it was discovered that they used AI Photoshop tools I don’t even like using in stupid header images on released deckboxes instead of paying the artist for revisions. The company, previously embroiled…
GET A LAWYER – After seeing a vague, colorful piece of cardboard mug an old woman on Monday morning, the only witness to the crime found themselves unable to finger the Magic: The Gathering card from amongst gathered suspects. “I don’t know how to keep track of these kids anymore.”…
MADISON, WI – Local scissoring/roller derby champion Amber Keldemeldy was shocked this week to discover that not only is the morning news a thing people still watch, but that her dating app bio had been broadcast on a pink chart labeled ‘unattractive hobbies to women’. “Yeah my roommate that I…
VATICAN CITY – A Pokemon TCG card signed by the pope has come back from grading, with the rare and unusual grade of 6.66 by the Beckett’s grading service. The card, a common Popplio signed by Pope Leo XIV, made the rounds as an internet meme due to the similarity…
