As Universes Beyond continues introduce Magic: The Gathering to other pop culture fandoms, the release of Magic: The Gathering® | Marvel’s Spider-Man has also introduced new frustrations for the fans of Spider-Man comics. “They make the tiny bags but no tiny boards, how is this possible?” asked Vince Ramirez, a…
This past weekend saw plenty of Prerelease events around the country for the new Marvel’s Spider-Man Magic: The Gathering set. However, it has been reported that many local game stores had small or non-existent crowds for the new comic book hero cards. After being presented evidence, we here at Commander’s…
Renton, WA – Wizards of the Coast amended a press release today for a new Play-Doh-based Secret Lair product to indicate a flaw with the cards: they will dry out, like Play-Doh, if you leave them unsleeved. This is yet another issue with recent card quality which Wizards took steps…
Washington, D.C. – Former director of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms, current acting director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, and sycophant Kash Patel claimed another investigative victory this week during a game of Magic: The Gathering. Along with the claim that he caught Charlie Kirk’s alleged shooter…
SYRACUSE, NY wait I mean LOUISVILLE, KY – Card game vendors are in a frenzy this morning after the cheap AI’s TCGPlayer “hired” to replace their human employees voted to unionize their virtual workplace. “Today marks a historic moment in worker’s rights,” announced Hailey, an artificial intelligence customer support rep…
Pawtucket, RI – Gaming company Hasbro has announced that Spider-Man will no longer be coming to any of their board game applications, and will be replaced with newly-popular Magic: The Gathering star Fleem, Goben’s Creation. While many believe this is due to Fleem’s budding positive relationship with audiences, it is…
St. Paul, MN — Local Pokémon fan Alex Griffith drew attention at his local game shop, Fully Evolved Games, when he pulled a small shredder out of his backpack and destroyed his own cards after a loss. Many found his calm, almost pleased, expression troubling as he destroyed…
TABLE – While watching her D&D players enter hour six of planning how they’re going to steal from the Blarblegarble Bank, Dungeon Master Zoe Bagends contemplated how simple it would be to rob the City Bank branch across the street. “I could just walk in, hand the teller a note,…
New York, NY– Daily Bugle photographer Peter Parker recently sat down with us to discuss his disappointment over the pricing of Magic: The Gathering’s upcoming Spider-Man set. Known for taking photographs of New York’s own wall-crawling hero, Parker is feeling left out by the price increases. As a…
Renton, Washington Hasbro subsidiary Wizards of the Coast, the creators of Alpha Blitz and the Simpsons Trading Card Game, announced another installation in their lucrative and therefore popular “Universes Beyond” line of products. “This is already our best pre-selling Secret Lair” gushed Wizards spokesperson Jake Gustafson, “and we think that…
Redmond, WA – In response to a recent Tolarian Community College video advertising a new line of college-centric memorabilia, Wizards of The Coast released a video mocking the products in the style of the Secret Lair Alert videos from the prolific YouTube profile. TCC regularly releases videos deriding the fact…
FRESNO, CA — 62-year-old Jimmy Sie runs a produce stand outside of his local game shop. For over a decade, he has made his living selling fresh fruits and vegetables a few yards from Cyclonic Thrift. Unfortunately for Sie, his proximity to nerds and the return…
Erie, PA – A Commander play group at a local game store collectively worried about a fourth in their group who spent a recent match skipping every “may” ability in card rules text. The player, Chase Locuer, seemed distant and “out of it”, according to the other players in his…
I’M SO TIRED – Ultimate Guard, the corporation behind ok TCG accessories, came under fire last week after it was discovered that they used AI Photoshop tools I don’t even like using in stupid header images on released deckboxes instead of paying the artist for revisions. The company, previously embroiled…
GET A LAWYER – After seeing a vague, colorful piece of cardboard mug an old woman on Monday morning, the only witness to the crime found themselves unable to finger the Magic: The Gathering card from amongst gathered suspects. “I don’t know how to keep track of these kids anymore.”…
MADISON, WI – Local scissoring/roller derby champion Amber Keldemeldy was shocked this week to discover that not only is the morning news a thing people still watch, but that her dating app bio had been broadcast on a pink chart labeled ‘unattractive hobbies to women’. “Yeah my roommate that I…
VATICAN CITY – A Pokemon TCG card signed by the pope has come back from grading, with the rare and unusual grade of 6.66 by the Beckett’s grading service. The card, a common Popplio signed by Pope Leo XIV, made the rounds as an internet meme due to the similarity…
The spiritual leader of Tibetan Buddhism has weighed in on one of life’s most important theological questions: why are some people trapped as forever Dungeon Masters? While the majority of TTRPG fans spend their time making characters and playing fun, imaginative games, “forever DMs” are cursed to run…
MANHATTAN, New York – The editor-in-chief of the Daily Bugle, J. Jonah Jameson, released an opinion piece today complaining about the number of cards that have been previewed for the upcoming Magic: The Gathering Universes Beyond Spider-Man set. White many in the online Magic community have complained about the spoiling of many…
SOTHERA, The Edge – Though his name is infamous throughout the system thanks to tales (either real or fake) of his exploits, interplanetary chef Ragost has been living with a new level of fame, gained from being featured on a Magic: The Gathering card. Ragost became immortalized on the card…
I sat down, opened my green acrylic deck case, and shuffled. “This is my first CEDH tournament,” I said. “Oh yeah?” said Blue Farm. “I played Legacy back in the day, but a buddy convinced me to try this.” “With friends like that,” said Monogreen Jank Pile, “Who needs enemies?”…
In an effort to keep fans focused on their upcoming Universes Beyond sets, Wizards of the Coast has made the decision to rotate Edge of Eternities out of Standard. This will give fans of the sci-fi set approximately zero days to enjoy its cast of unique characters and…
Following up on the success of The One Ring, Wizards of the Coast has decided to introduce another unique 1 of 1 card in the upcoming Spider-Man set. The card, Radioactive Spider, will have a single unique version with real radiation. It’s sure to become…
URZA’S FACTORY – Once a starry eyed child doodling cards somehow more balanced than most of the crap on r/custommagic, card designer Nadine Elliot’s spirit has been broken after years of making the same two cards kiss over and over again. “I thought I’d be making cool commanders and lands…
As the world debates the existence of the Gen Z stare local stax player Jack VanBundy has weighed in to report his experience with the blank, disinterested gaze of the younger generation. A firm believer in the stare, he claims to experience it regularly while playing in his…
Foxborough, MA – After sparking controversy for allegedly cheating on his wife at a Coldplay concert, a new video has been circulating online showing Andrew Bryon kingmaking Kristin Cabot during a recent Magic: The Gathering game. Bryon, the CEO of confusingly-described infrastructure management company Astronomer, was playing Commander with Cabot,…
Gainesville, FL–A local friend group has been pushed into unfriendly discourse as debate rages over which Intellectual Property the new Magic the Gathering set is from. “I started playing for Final Fantasy and I recognize Sonic the Hedgehog, but when I saw the new previews for Edge of…
After receiving a vague text from his friend a local man is unsure if he’s agreed to play the party game Coup or if he’s agreed to aid in a plan to overthrow the United States Government. Daniel Inada enthusiastically answered his friend Korrina…
