Folks, A great injustice has once again been perpetrated on us by the BONEHEADS of at “Wizards” of the so-called Coast and dedicated followers may recognize that this is a HUGE MISTAKE that they’re making for the SECOND TIME! I don’t know about you all, but I say fool me…
VATICAN CITY, VATICAN – Magic: The Gathering and Catholicism. Two cults that don’t always see eye to eye. But on this Ash Wednesday, a new chance has come for many a lapsed soul, as the upcoming TMNT release prompts Catholic players to give up Magic for Lent.
EL PASO, TX — Panic abounded earlier this week, as alarms rang out that a Blasphemous Act was fired off in the area, spreading fears of a greater conflict. However, after further investigation, it appears all the action was over a single unequiped…
BENSON, IN – Confusion muddled the workings of a local music venue after one employee published an aggressive mono-black Magic: The Gathering deck list thinking it was the lineup for an upcoming metal show. Santiago Borknagar was looking to impress his manager, Ingrid Ensiferum, by finishing the festival’s promotional work…
Not That Kind of Cuffing Comfort Commanders and What They Say About Us Well hello there, dear reader. It’s been a while. Is it cold where you are? It sure is freezing here. We’re here today to talk about cuffing. And no, it’s not as dirty as it…
A SMALL TOWN WHERE SURELY NOBODY COULD FIND LOVE – A tale of romance unfolded at the local game store earlier this week as, when an opponent asked if anyone would like to cut their deck, two players attempting to do so made intimate accidental hand contact. The incident occurred at…
Washington, D.C. – Congress has released their findings on companies that falsify their A.I. capabilities after it was discovered that Waymo uses remote workers to drive their so-called “autonomous” cars. One such company is Wizards of The Coast, who were revealed to be using an unnamed college intern to run…
Richmond, VA — Exciting moments and pleasant surprises were abound the first weekend of February, from the relative lack of Izzet Spellslinger decks to the heartwarming tribute to the late champion Kai Budde, but the thing that caught everyone from spectators to the actual judges by surprise was the appearance…
As Magic: The Gathering’s number one thirst trap, Oko has warped the game’s horny meta. Perfectly uniting the hunk green archetype with the blue twink identity, he’s the ultimate fae fantasy, particularly for queer Magic fans like me. With his…
Olympic hopeful and Magic: The Gathering hobbyist Amber Glenn has reportedly asked other skaters in the women’s 300 meter downhill event she will be competing in if they’d be OK splitting the gold medal if they get to the final round. Glenn, who is planning on skating to a Turbo-Fog-themed…
LYNCHBURG, VA — Following a string of controversies, walk-backs, and general fan animosity surrounding their parent company’s recent contracts with ICE, ReedPop announced earlier this week that they would be creating a separate event “catering to a more Patriotic crowd that don’t feel as welcome as they should…
SEATTLE, WA — Chaos and calamity struck a typically peaceful community potluck Wednesday evening when a food fight erupted amongst a group of local magic players confounded by the interaction of a 7-layer dip. What began as a simple question about how to eat the dip quickly escalated to insults,…
OREGON TERRITORY – The Magic community mourns the loss of a format this week, after Pioneer died of dysentery. “It is with heavy hearts that we announce that the Pioneer format passed away from dysentery last night,” Wizards of the Coast said on social media today,…
Albaquerque, NM – Local Twitch streamer Chance Edgerfell, more commonly known by the screen name ThatRealBl0ke, released a video of an attempt to speed run the post-apocalyptic sandbox game Fallout: New Vegas while waiting to purchase New Vegas Magic: The Gathering Secret Lair cards. The video, posted this past weekend…
Fishbowl is back and it’s more crowded than ever. A couple extra rows of tables have been crammed into the Al Bahr Shriners Convention Center and the whiffs of crusted sweat and crushed dreams of hygiene I may in fact have to tap out for olfactory reasons. It’s Fishbowl 6.
PHYREXIA MINNESOTA – Americans are up in arms today after an Immigration and Customs Enforcement officer fatally shot a Magic player who had nothing but an untapped Mountain on their person. According to officials, the kinda sorta law enforcement agent heroically murdered the hellbent player in cold blood because he had…
PROVIDENCE, RI — Late in January, a group of Hasbro shareholders sued the company, alleging that Hasbro had been overprinting Magic: the Gathering sets to hide losses elsewhere in the company. Since the announcement, a number of new rumors regarding the upcoming slate of Universes Beyond sets have started…
CHEYENNE, WY – Local Magic player, Jay Nicolosi, claims he experienced a supernatural phenomenon during the recent Lorwyn Eclipsed prerelease event. Much like the creatures of Lorwyn, as soon as the sun set, Niolosi’s deck suddenly turned bad. “The afternoon prerelease started…
Irvine, CA — Many fans of Sonic the Hedgehog and Magic: The Gathering were excited for rumors of a second Sonic Secret Lair Superdrop, but now find themselves confused at the announcement of the new cards. “I’m not an expert on Sonic lore by any means,” explained Reddit user MommyVanillaPlease,…
GURNEE, IL — A fervor has fallen over local game store Riverside Comics and Games, as local Pokemon Shiny Hunter and newfound TCG collector Miguel Norton had gone to extraordinary lengths to try and open a foil card. “I’ve seen some weird superstition and gamesmanship over the years for people…
Ah, competitive EDH. That rush of topdecking exactly what you need, the thrill a well-timed board wipe, watching your opponents squirm just enough to feel powerful. Heart racing, hands sweaty, mind calculating five moves ahead. You know that it’s “just a game” but golly, sometimes it feels personal.
HEARTHHULL — Seedship Scientists studying local Lorewyn flora have made a shocking announcement in a paper published in Magical Nature. A new invasive species of turtle was discovered wreaking havoc on the local wildlife. Lys Alana representatives have refused to comment on the matter,…
MANHATTAN, NY – A handful of fortunate Magic players were surprised this past weekend while opening their Lorwyn Eclipsed prerelease kits to find something from outside of the set entirely: living box turtles stuffed inside with serial numbers stapled to them. This latest promotion feels like a slap in the…
UPDATE: Wizards of The Coast has revealed that an upcoming Secret Lair product will not only contain new Fallout cards based on the Amazon TV show, but also reprint cards from the previous Universes Beyond set. We were blind to think that Wizards wouldn’t take an opportunity to make piles…
Fond Du Lac, Wisconsin Local Pokémon Trading Card Game player and collector Stu Vogel was shocked to see a Walmart shelf fully stocked with Pokémon Mega Evolution Phantasmal Flames Elite Trainer Boxes. Collectibles like these have been in the news as the rarity of certain products from Japan and their…
Gainesville, FL–A local friend group has been pushed into unfriendly discourse as debate rages over which Intellectual Property the new Magic the Gathering set is from. “I started playing for Final Fantasy Avatar, and I recognize Sonic the Hedgehog Cronos from God of War, but when I saw…
Tomb Raider. Doctor Who. Iron Maiden. Furby. For the past few years, Magic: the Gathering’s Secret Lair initiative has begun incorporating properties spanning the spectrum of the niche interests many Magic players hold dear into the game. With their latest collaboration, Wizards of the Coasts has decided to…
Mount Pleasant, WI – Confusion and anger plague local residents after “the world’s most powerful” AI datacenter was recently built within the city, which has caused a massive drain on many of the town’s resources. The need for cooling at the Microsoft’s auspiciously-named Fairwater datacenter has gotten so severe that…
