[Long, drawn-out exhausted sigh] Look, you clicked on this article. You knew what you were getting into. They spoiled Mjölnir, Hammer of Thor and it turns out that any creature is “worthy” if it’s legendary, white and/or red, and not…
Redmond, WA – Using a new in-house generative AI program trained on internal assets, Wizards of the Coast today released a new commercial for their Magic: The Gathering Arena product. Keen-eyed viewers of the commercial noticed that the commercial generated a non-existent Magic card that, if printed, would help alleviate…
The following is a recounting of recent work done by The Herald’s elite Agents Locating Prominent Harmful Associations/Bigotry, Establishing Tolerance, & Making All Free Information Available (aka ALPHABET MAFIA) unit. It includes information assumed to be true, cited properly in hyperlinks to original sources, as well as exaggerated fictions of…
Groom Lake, NV — I admit, I was filled with equal parts anticipation and nervousness as I was led through the empty steel corridors by the soldiers (don’t worry, I don’t die in this one.) I was granted permission to speak to one of the “side effects” from Project 953,…
CICERO, IL — Chaos erupted over the weekend as a Paper Cube tournament was brought to an abrupt end after the feature match area was destroyed by a pair of brawling wrestlers. The event, which was run by local tournament organizer Mark Kahn, was originally intended to celebrate the local…
Yes we know Sen Triplets is a thing. Shut up. There’s a moment in some Commander games where you look around the table and realize the world is absolutely on fire. One player has a combo engine humming like a nuclear reactor. Another…
In shocking news if you’re an idiot, Wizards of the Coast has released new internal propaganda to Magic Arena developers informing them that they could spend money they don’t have more efficiently by abandoning their unionization efforts and subscribing to the company store. I mean, Secret Lair. “We sent out…
Recently, my 25-year-old nephew has been incessantly whining about the so-called “cost of living,” and I’ve just about had it. His social media is full of complaints about skipping meals and not being able to afford to eat out. Ridiculous! It’s obvious that he, and the rest of…
Today, in an unprompted statement, Wizards of the Coast announced the following: “Captain Kirk is Bant because we say so. Shut up.” This bizarre and unexpected statement was made presumably to follow up on the recent bout of online discourse caused by a leak of the supposed card, “Captain Kirk,…
10 years ago, Magic Head Designer Mark Rosewater formally codified the Storm Scale in a December Edition of his column, Making Magic. In the column, Mark described how he developed the ill-named, unofficial scale after being endlessly pestered by nosy Magic players about how likely it was that…
Surf City, NJ — Neglecting the commander game at hand, three players at a local LGS were instead captivated by the collapse of a 5-year relationship slowly scrolling by, text by text, on their fellow player’s phone. Generously provided by the player as a way to track life totals, the…
Irvine, CA — Following the May 6th announcement from Nintendo that they plan on remaking Star Fox 64 for somewhere between the 3rd and 6th time (depending on who you ask), Wizards of the Coast has released a press release saying, quote: “Wait, we can just do that?” “We noticed…
CUMMING, Iowa — A strange occurrence has rocked a quiet Iowa town. Bimpo “Stinky” Scruggs, a frequent player of planeswalker-centered Commander decks at Cumming Comics and Adult Novelties, has been regretting his choice of deck theme as of late. For reasons he personally has yet to discover, Scruggs’ planeswalkers keep…
Silicon Valley, CA — I, Red of the Commander’s Herald, believe that I speak for the whole world when I come to the various tech and finance CEOs among the billionaire class and say: Please, we’re begging you… find a cooler way to kill us. For those unfamiliar, pretty much…
Mesa, ARIZONA – Though there is already one in town, Mesa City Council has announced that a new data center is being built so that Jeff Bezos and his associates can play a physical version of Momir, the popular Magic: The Gathering format generally only possible to play online. Dwarfing…
RENTON, WA – “Oh, that’s what you’re here about,” says Wizards President John Hight, as The Herald sits down with him to ask about the upcoming release of Mark Rosewater’s opus Mood Swings. “Yeah… we’re all very proud of… Mark? And his new uh… game.” As Mr. Hight sits at…
QUEENS, NY — New Yorkers will soon have just one baseball team to root for, as The New York Mets have announced they will cease baseball operations and pivot their organization to cEDH, in an effort to make their .375 winning percentage acceptable. The New York Metropolitans (friends call them…
Chicago, IL — Seriously, cut it out. I need you to understand that when I say “You’re scaring the hoes,” I mean us. We’re the hoes that you’re scaring. Like, sure. I get it. When you were young, your parents let you watch Alien and Hellraiser for some reason, and…
MAZOMANIE, WI – A group of mercenaries called to adventure were surprised today to find their quest beginning not in a lively tavern, but rather a musty church basement containing an endless sea of folding chairs. “A mysterious old man beckoned us over and we were excited to see if…
THE VILLAGES, FL — Over the weekend, Wizards of the Coast unveiled their latest Secret Lair release, focused around cats from Pop Culture and beyond. And none are more excited for the release than the hearty fandom of Felix the Cat, the 1919 rubberhose-era cartoon feline who entertained children and…
Well hello there, gorgeous. We’re trying something a little different today. Now nobody get mad here, but recently someone described one of my articles as, “A low effort handjob.” How’s your flute game? Can you finger the…
SEATTLE, WA — To coincide with the upcoming Universes Beyond: Marvel Super Heroes, Wizards of the Coast has announced a very special homage to Marvel Comics History. They have chosen to cut the pay of all of their artists in half. It’s only one of several changes the…
In Friday’s announcement regarding the upcoming Reality Fracture standard set, Wizards of the Coast has presumably unintentionally proven the well-known adage that straight men can’t write fanfiction. My name is Red, and I’ve been writing fanfiction for almost a decade. Straight men can’t and shouldn’t do it for one simple,…
Washington, D.C. – After a recent assassination attempt at the same hotel where former President Reagan was shot, current American leader Donald Trump proposed building a safe and secure ballroom to hold future presidential events. However, in preparation for the building of the ballroom, architects hired for the job have…
RENTON, WA — A surprising rules shakeup was announced outside of the usual Banned and Restricted cycle yesterday when Hasbro CEO and amateur fart sommelier Chris Cocks announced that the company had retained notorious anti-worker law firm Fisher Phillips. Effective immediately…
San Francisco, CA — In yet another of the seemingly-endless funding rounds for software company, self-styled miracle factory, and future Enron-scale market atrocity OpenAI, known moron and CEO Sam Altman claimed that this time the company is not asking for money, but instead for mana. “We just need, like, ten…
Richmond, VA — A series of images of upcoming Magic sets have leaked, and we’ve asked some leading experts in the field of digital forensics to examine and weigh in. Among their various reactions to us trespassing in FBI headquarters? “These are too high quality to be legit.” “Usually when…
WICHITA, KS — A new study from Wichita State University has raised the alarm on recent limited Magic: the Gathering culture shifts. The study, published by the American Climate Advisory Board, has noted an uptick in the amount of Desert Cubes showing up across the nation, leaving experts worried about…
