Chicago, IL — Seriously, cut it out. I need you to understand that when I say “You’re scaring the hoes,” I mean us. We’re the hoes that you’re scaring. Like, sure. I get it. When you were young, your parents let you watch Alien and Hellraiser for some reason, and…
MAZOMANIE, WI – A group of mercenaries called to adventure were surprised today to find their quest beginning not in a lively tavern, but rather a musty church basement containing an endless sea of folding chairs. “A mysterious old man beckoned us over and we were excited to see if…
THE VILLAGES, FL — Over the weekend, Wizards of the Coast unveiled their latest Secret Lair release, focused around cats from Pop Culture and beyond. And none are more excited for the release than the hearty fandom of Felix the Cat, the 1919 rubberhose-era cartoon feline who entertained children and…
Well hello there, gorgeous. We’re trying something a little different today. Now nobody get mad here, but recently someone described one of my articles as, “A low effort handjob.” How’s your flute game? Can you finger the…
SEATTLE, WA — To coincide with the upcoming Universes Beyond: Marvel Super Heroes, Wizards of the Coast has announced a very special homage to Marvel Comics History. They have chosen to cut the pay of all of their artists in half. It’s only one of several changes the…
In Friday’s announcement regarding the upcoming Reality Fracture standard set, Wizards of the Coast has presumably unintentionally proven the well-known adage that straight men can’t write fanfiction. My name is Red, and I’ve been writing fanfiction for almost a decade. Straight men can’t and shouldn’t do it for one simple,…
Washington, D.C. – After a recent assassination attempt at the same hotel where former President Reagan was shot, current American leader Donald Trump proposed building a safe and secure ballroom to hold future presidential events. However, in preparation for the building of the ballroom, architects hired for the job have…
RENTON, WA — A surprising rules shakeup was announced outside of the usual Banned and Restricted cycle yesterday when Hasbro CEO and amateur fart sommelier Chris Cocks announced that the company had retained notorious anti-worker law firm Fisher Phillips. Effective immediately…
San Francisco, CA — In yet another of the seemingly-endless funding rounds for software company, self-styled miracle factory, and future Enron-scale market atrocity OpenAI, known moron and CEO Sam Altman claimed that this time the company is not asking for money, but instead for mana. “We just need, like, ten…
Richmond, VA — A series of images of upcoming Magic sets have leaked, and we’ve asked some leading experts in the field of digital forensics to examine and weigh in. Among their various reactions to us trespassing in FBI headquarters? “These are too high quality to be legit.” “Usually when…
WICHITA, KS — A new study from Wichita State University has raised the alarm on recent limited Magic: the Gathering culture shifts. The study, published by the American Climate Advisory Board, has noted an uptick in the amount of Desert Cubes showing up across the nation, leaving experts worried about…
Manasquan, NJ — Poor, poor JD Vance. Surely there must come a breaking point… Rumors are circulating that Richard Garfield, creator of Magic: The Gathering, could become the latest father figure to reject Vice President JD Vance. An anonymous source intimately familiar with the…
LAS VEGAS, NV — On the eve of the 2026 NFL Draft, the Las Vegas Raiders are reportedly doing their due diligence when it comes to their first overall pick. Over the past few months, discussion has focused around Indiana QB Fernando Mendoza, following him leading the Hoosiers to a…
Washington, D.C. — President Trump will be appointing notorious former planeswalker and current antagonist Nicol Bolas to the new, not-yet-established Department Of Just Plain Evil, as announced in a press release earlier today. “Nicky Bolas is a great guy, such a great guy,” said Trump. “He did an amazing job…
DENVER, Co. — Tragedy struck in the home of local Commander player Bogart “Bong” Waters today as his attempt to prepare for a yearly tradition with his friends went terribly awry. During preparations for his local pod’s annual weed-centered Commander party, the 420 Smokestack Blowout, Waters absentmindedly ground his only…
Tokyo, Japan — Internal Konami documents recently leaked to us from an anonymous whistleblower reveal shocking news about the media company’s inner workings and future plans. They range from video game plot details, planned corporate restructuring, and disturbing new products coming down the line. Former company executive and current arcade…
I swear to fucking god, that shitty anime alter elfball deck is bad enough on its own, but I’m going to examine every single card you play looking at the artist credits, and if I see the name of a generative AI site, I’m going to make it everybody in…
New York, NY — Reports from a local game store reveal that players may have located the protagonist. Of… everything, it seems. We followed up to investigate. “She just showed up one day, playing like Boros Dragons,” says Wade Nelson, one regular attendee. “She swept the whole FNM–no sleeves,…
Erie, PA – Norman Gilbert, a well-known Magic: The Gathering player in town, was kicked out of local game store The Goblin’s Den permanently due to the content of his “The Aristocrats”-themed commander deck. The deck, filled with joke and banned cards, was created by Gilbert likely to either elicit…
COPENHAGEN — Novo Nordisk, the pharmaceutical company that produces Ozempic, has been sued by the elder dragon Arcades, the Strategist. The Dragon claims that the company has significantly reduced the base toughness of many creatures, reducing his effectiveness as a commander. He’s suing the company for lost…
SECRET HASBRO BUNKER, Wash. — Commander’s Herald has once again stumbled ass-backwards into a shocking revelation about the potential future of a beloved Magic: The Gathering fan format. In what is bound to be the most existentially nerve-wracking piece of news to emerge this week, we have learned of a…
Following the absolutely stellar debut of GiGi Wellplayed on the Spell Slayers last month, the staff at The Herald has worked tirelessly, day and night and afternoon, to try and come up with a drag name as good as that. We could not. Nevertheless, we needed to…
OUTER SPACE- A phenomenon known as the “overview effect” is known to cause astronauts, such as the crew aboard NASA’s Moon-bound Artemis II, to feel a sense of oneness with the Earth and the humans that inhabit it when they glimpse the “pale blue dot” from space. Traveling alongside the…
REDWOOD SHORES, CA — In a sudden move that sent shockwaves through the industry, Oracle Chairman Larry Ellison announced he was exiling the careers of 30,000 of the company’s employees, and paying 1 blue mana, to cast a Treasure Cruise. The move, which came to light via a company-wide email early…
Chaos erupted at the first annual Bumbleflower Easter Egg Hunt when word got out that there were not enough prizes for everyone who entered. Attendees were initially lured in with promises of drawing cards, but interest in the humble innkeeper’s wares far exceeded the mana she had on hand to…
Undisclosed Location — A Wizards of the Coast designer has just gone on the record to say that their team does, in fact, purposefully design cards to upset specific YouTubers. “We just think it’s really funny to upset people whose literal livelihoods depend on our game and therefore have nothing…
SHINJUKU, JAPAN — In a press release earlier this morning, Square-Enix announced that, following the severing of ties between Disney and OpenAI, they were once again the sole owners of “The Only Sora Partnership Worth A Damn.” Square-Enix, the popular makes of games such as Brave Fencer Musashi and Bust-A-Groove as…
To celebrate April Fool’s Day this year, we at Commander’s Herald decided to walk you through an article that we would write, going step-by-step through the satirical process. We came up with an idea to write about a “leak” of a secret internal memo from Wizards of The Coast detailing…
