Wizards Reminds Employees Instead Of Union Dues They Could Pay For Slightly Nicer Spot In Secret Lair Line
In shocking news if you’re an idiot, Wizards of the Coast has released new internal propaganda to Magic Arena developers informing them that they could spend money they don’t have more efficiently by abandoning their unionization efforts and subscribing to the company store. I mean, Secret Lair.
“We sent out a survey a while ago asking if folks would want to just give us money for no reason and figured now’s the best time to ignore their feedback and start selling Secret Lair subscriptions.” said PR director Abyssal Persecutor. “Our employees are our life blood, which is why we spent years ignoring their requests for help until they clogged an artery. It’s tragic they feel like they need a ‘doctor’, but we recognize their right to do so.”
Wizards of the Coast has also spent an absurd sum of money they have lying around after several record breaking quarters hiring infamous anti-union law firm Fisher Phillips to prevent them from doing so.
CEO and guy whose name I assumed everyone was misspelling as a joke Chris Cox stands by the information campaign.
“Look, union dues are a lot.” said Cocks while wiping his ass with 2-ply $100 bills. “Imagine spending some of a resource now to ensure you get a lot more later. What kind of self respecting Magic player does that?”
The company with a history of hiring thugs who have literally murdered union strikers in the past wants to remind everyone how much they value and respect their employees.
“Here at Olive Garden Wizards of the Coast, we’re like family, and family extorts each other all the time.” added Cocks with a tear running down his eye. “Sometimes you need to teach your kids a lesson, so you withhold access to livable wages and healthcare until they give in and give you what you want. It’s very mature and not at all an Orwellian violation of human rights.”
“We tried throwing a pizza party, but nobody showed up.” said someone who definitely wasn’t talking about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Prerelease.
