Wizards Takes Cue From Nintendo And Announces “Innistrad Re-Remastered”

Irvine, CA — Following the May 6th announcement from Nintendo that they plan on remaking Star Fox 64 for somewhere between the 3rd and 6th time (depending on who you ask), Wizards of the Coast has released a press release saying, quote: “Wait, we can just do that?”

“We noticed a roughly one week dead zone in between Reality Fracture’s October release and Star Trek’s November release where we won’t be making as much money, so we’re proud to announce that we’ll be releasing ‘Innistrad Re-remastered,’ a brand new master’s set that plays identically to Innistrad Remastered and has the exact same cardlist, except the art will be slightly different and a little off-putting to keep players on their toes. We’re excited for Magic players who started playing after 2025 to experience Innistrad for the first time, and for our current player base to collect the same cards they collected last year, in 2021, in 2016, and in 2012 again. This time, Avacyn’s spear is a Jagerstock!”

The press release continues: “While we’re sure a great many Innistrad fans would like for us to, perhaps, actually continue the story of the characters and setting, Midnight Hunt and Crimson Vow’s relatively lackluster fan reactions have led us to believe that this particular plane’s main value is purely nostalgia, and if we want to get people on board for more, then we need to start over from scratch yet again. But don’t worry, to keep things fresh we’ve redesigned Arlinn Kord so that she looks like she smokes 3 packs a day, and permanently has weird digitigrade legs, even when she’s human.”

To further entice players, Wizards has told us that they also intend to take advantage of Reality Fracture’s printing breakthroughs to include special “Story Cards” in each pack, meant to extend each card’s flavor text to new lengths and extend the story into the drafting experience. We were assured that this would delight Vorthos players while only moderately distracting everyone else, and increasing the set’s carbon footprint a tiny amount.

Matt Johnson, working hard on the Magic: The Gathering movie after the smash cult success of Nirvanna The Band The Show The Movie, claims that Innistrad Re-remastered will coincide with the first trailer for the new movie, which he has teased will include a tiny cameo from Sorin Markov to remind people that he still exists, despite the fact that we all remember him from Modern Horizons 3.