“Is it me?”: My Planeswalkers Keep Entering With Zero Loyalty Counters

CUMMING, Iowa — A strange occurrence has rocked a quiet Iowa town. Bimpo “Stinky” Scruggs, a frequent player of planeswalker-centered Commander decks at Cumming Comics and Adult Novelties, has been regretting his choice of deck theme as of late. For reasons he personally has yet to discover, Scruggs’ planeswalkers keep entering the battlefield with zero loyalty counters.

“It’s so bizarre,” said Scruggs via Skype. “I’ve always enjoyed playing planeswalkers in any format where I can get away with doing so. Whether charging into battle with Gideon in older Standard formats, or liberating myself with Karn in Modern Tron, paying mana to summon a planeswalker to the battlefield always brings me joy. But lately, whenever I try to conjure one of my favorite plane-trotting characters, they enter with no loyalty and just disappear into the graveyard.” Upon mentioning this, Scruggs became visibly distraught. “I just don’t get it. Is it something I’m doing? Is it… Is it me?”

This question prompted Commander’s Herald to begin unraveling Scruggs’ dilemma the only way we know how: by being really fucking nosy and activating our legendary Hard-Hitting Investigative Journalism technique. We started by talking with the members of Scruggs’ usual Commander pod, a group called The Commander Enjoyers. “Yeah, Stinky really enjoys his planeswalkers, but they haven’t been sticking around lately when he plays them,” said Commander Enjoyers aristocrats expert Saxon “Sax” Draine via messenger ostrich. “He said he’s worried that it’s something wrong with him? Yeah, that would track. We call him ‘Stinky’ for a reason, after all. Buddy smells like dried horse turd.”

Following this thread, we then spoke with another certified Commander Enjoyers superstar via interpretive dance, combo aficionado Axl Rosencrantz. “We’re pretty sure his stank is why Stinky’s planeswalkers have been fucking off to gods know where. He tried to play a three-drop Teferi last week, and I swear I hear a soft ‘Woah, sheesh!!’ coming from its direction before it went to the graveyard. It was crazy, I’ve never seen anything like it! I’ll probably put this in my memoir.”

We tried to track down the remaining member of the Commander Enjoyers, but after Rosencrantz’s continued insistence that their usual fourth player was somehow Vegeta from the classic manga and anime series Dragon Ball (“He always plays aggro and is a dick,” stated Rosencrantz), we were inspired to try something unconventional. We asked Scruggs to send his planeswalker deck to Commander’s Herald HQ in beautiful, scenic [LOCATION REDACTED]. Once we received Stinky’s deck at our state-of-the-art journalism compound, our top scientists brought it into the Commander’s Herald Holographic Projection Room, where we able to extract data from his planeswalker cards in an attempt to recreate those classic characters and have a conversation. Despite our best efforts, we were ultimately only able to manifest a single planeswalker: Tarkir’s favorite son, Sarkhan Vol.

“You brought me to life to speak of Stinky… I see,” Sarkhan intoned. When our top scientists informed Sarkhan that he wasn’t technically alive, but rather a being trapped in the space between life and death, a wretched homunculus whose consciousness, if you could call it that, is tethered to the world of the truly living by hubris, a true affront to creation itself, he blankly stared past us.

We proceeded to ask Sarkhan about his experience with Scruggs. “Oh, um… yeah… Stinky does carry a foul stench, this is true. An easily remedied problem. The true challenge he must overcome,” Sarkhan explained, “is the stench within his soul.” When asked to elaborate, Sarkhan was to the point: “Stinky is an asshole. He’s always belittling the rest of his cohort, driving them away at the pointed end of his personality. The name-calling, the berating of gameplay decisions, the accusations of sexual impotence… Alienating behavior not fitting the summoner of a warrior once of the Mardu.” Sarkhan then confirmed to Commander’s Herald that this behavior was what ultimately led Scruggs’ planeswalkers to turn on him. “We agreed that he needed to be taught a lesson. Myself, Teferi, Saheeli, even Nicol Bolas himself. We all came together and decided that enough is enough. Until Stinky learns to appreciate his playgroup–no, his friends–he will not wield the power of a planeswalker’s spark.” As we thanked Sarkhan for his time, one of our top scientists yawned and accidentally hit the comically large “OFF” button on the Commander’s Herald Holographic Projection Room’s Cutting-Edge Control Panel, cutting off the machine’s power and disbursing Sarkhan’s briefly-existent consciousness into the ether, possibly to Hell.

We gathered Scruggs’ cards and traveled via the Commander’s Herald Company Car (a rusty 2001 Pontiac Aztek) to return his deck to him in person, as well as pass on his friends’ comments and impart Sarkhan’s dying(?) words. “I never realized that behavior was so off-putting to not only my friends, but my cards, too. Also my stench, I guess,” Scruggs said, reflecting on what we learned. “I always thought ‘Stinky’ was a term of endearment, but that everyone meant it literally? In more ways than one? Clearly, I’ve got to do a lot of work on myself. I’d better get to that.” Scruggs then stared at us blankly, until we got uncomfortable and just kind of left.

We at Commander’s Herald are happy to report that, since that awkward departure, Scruggs has cleaned up his act and his ass, winning back over his friends, real and metaphorical. Draine, Rosencrantz, and Vegeta sent us word via a brick-anchored scroll smashed through one of our office windows that Scruggs has been treating their playgroup much better, leading to better Commander gameplay and a healthier overall group dynamic. However, the real sign that he’s changed for the better? “He played Sarkhan after you talked to him, and he came in with full loyalty!,” the scroll read. “It just goes to show: the key to making friends, real and fictional, is to be kind, treat people right, and shower. Or something.”