Satirical

Page 1

Naomi Krause • June 15, 2025

Don't harass anyone you fucks. This is a satirical, exaggerated article. The folks behind a silly card game show are not horrible people I intend to personally destroy. I just don't like ads 🙁 What was originally thought to be a bug caused the…

Jeff Girten • June 8, 2025

Renton, WA - With Final Fantasy officially hitting stores this month, it's time to immediately dive into spoiler season for future product launches! And what could satiate a shareholder's unquenchable thirst for profit more than us speculating wildly about an entirely new card frame and mechanic from the upcoming Edge of Eternities…

Jeff Girten • June 2, 2025

Midgar, Gaia - Tensions grew across the multiverse today as President Shinra the ruling Shinra Electric Power Company issued a surprise 145% tariff on Magic: the Gathering booster packs. This unpredicted tax draws Gaia into the ongoing multiverse trade standoff in a way that this reporter can only describe as…

Jeff Girten • May 25, 2025

With wedding season and tariff season coming at the same time this year, brides, grooms, and bride-grooms all over the United States are feeling added strain on their wedding budgets. Our newly self-proclaimed Style Section writer Jeff Girten sat down with a soon-to-be-bride, "Jenny," to discuss how she's getting clever…

Jeff Girten • May 21, 2025

Denver, CO - Dungeons & Dragons has seen a tremendous surge in popularity over the past five years. Going from an activity groups of nerds did huddled in their mother's basement to something groups of nerds do at game stores, bars, and apparently even in sold-out arenas all over the world…

Jeff Girten • May 19, 2025

In a surprise collab you didn't know you needed, Dungeons & Dragons has released a new Therapy Edition in partnership with BetterHelp. This new "never-ending campaign" costs $250 per session and allows players to explore the dark depths of their personal trauma. In a sneak preview, this reporter was able to see…

Jeff Girten • May 13, 2025

Renton, WA - Just weeks after promising no more non-emergency Commander bans this year, Wizards of the Coast announced today that Dockside Chef has been banned retroactive to September 23, 2024.  New WotC press secretary Karoline Banitt released a brief statement on the banning:…

Jeff Girten • May 12, 2025

Self-proclaimed financial genius Ffej Netrig is certain he's identified a way to consistently outperform the stock market: something he's calling his "Warhammer 401k." That's right, Mr. Netrig has invested all $2,300 of his life savings into wargame miniatures. "With all this turmoil rocking the stock market every day, I tell…

Naomi Krause • April 27, 2025

COLUMBUS, OH - Hearts were not shattered this morning when the notorious Dockside Extortionist was denied appeal for banlist parole after serving six months of a life sentence.  "What we're really worried about is recidivism." Said an unnamed board member who definitely isn't Ragavan in a fake mustache. "The card's…