Don't harass anyone you fucks. This is a satirical, exaggerated article. The folks behind a silly card game show are not horrible people I intend to personally destroy. I just don't like ads 🙁 What was originally thought to be a bug caused the…
Don't harass anyone you fucks. This is a satirical, exaggerated article. The folks behind a silly card game show are not horrible people I intend to personally destroy. I just don't like ads 🙁 What was originally thought to be a bug caused the…
Renton, WA - With Final Fantasy officially hitting stores this month, it's time to immediately dive into spoiler season for future product launches! And what could satiate a shareholder's unquenchable thirst for profit more than us speculating wildly about an entirely new card frame and mechanic from the upcoming Edge of Eternities…
Midgar, Gaia - Tensions grew across the multiverse today as President Shinra the ruling Shinra Electric Power Company issued a surprise 145% tariff on Magic: the Gathering booster packs. This unpredicted tax draws Gaia into the ongoing multiverse trade standoff in a way that this reporter can only describe as…
With wedding season and tariff season coming at the same time this year, brides, grooms, and bride-grooms all over the United States are feeling added strain on their wedding budgets. Our newly self-proclaimed Style Section writer Jeff Girten sat down with a soon-to-be-bride, "Jenny," to discuss how she's getting clever…
Denver, CO - Dungeons & Dragons has seen a tremendous surge in popularity over the past five years. Going from an activity groups of nerds did huddled in their mother's basement to something groups of nerds do at game stores, bars, and apparently even in sold-out arenas all over the world…
In a surprise collab you didn't know you needed, Dungeons & Dragons has released a new Therapy Edition in partnership with BetterHelp. This new "never-ending campaign" costs $250 per session and allows players to explore the dark depths of their personal trauma. In a sneak preview, this reporter was able to see…
Renton, WA - Just weeks after promising no more non-emergency Commander bans this year, Wizards of the Coast announced today that Dockside Chef has been banned retroactive to September 23, 2024. New WotC press secretary Karoline Banitt released a brief statement on the banning:…
Self-proclaimed financial genius Ffej Netrig is certain he's identified a way to consistently outperform the stock market: something he's calling his "Warhammer 401k." That's right, Mr. Netrig has invested all $2,300 of his life savings into wargame miniatures. "With all this turmoil rocking the stock market every day, I tell…
COLUMBUS, OH - Hearts were not shattered this morning when the notorious Dockside Extortionist was denied appeal for banlist parole after serving six months of a life sentence. "What we're really worried about is recidivism." Said an unnamed board member who definitely isn't Ragavan in a fake mustache. "The card's…
Unelected Tarkir clan leaders have asked for lists of five things clan members have done recently to fight dragons.
Jeff interviews Ffej Netrig, CPA and soon-to-be-felon about some light financial crimes he did on behalf of his client.
A local Republican congressman is under fire after mistakenly including Asmoranomardicadaistinaculdacar in a chat discussing highly-classified information.
Regularly confused man Tatum Groy was overjoyed to hear the news that an upcoming Universes Beyond set is the last one Wizards will produce.
Nearly a dozen fans of Final Fantasy and Magic: The Gathering were seen protesting outside of the headquarters of Square Enix this morning.
Other restrictions include only playing Tovolar on a full moon, Talrand at high tide, and Liliana never because he's afraid of intimacy.
The card has drawn criticism for being overpowered. Senior staff in R&D were told it was fine by Playtesting, but they were all of them deceived.
Donald Trump, managed to explain the oft misunderstood Magic: The Gathering mechanic "banding" during a recent town hall event.
"At this point I'm getting frustrated, since that's two lands in a row and I needed literally any other card to start reading his fortune."
The company assigned the task of psychological torture to the Modern Horizons team due to their expertise in the field.
An elderly card shop owner recently warned a group of teenage customers away from pre-purchasing a box of Duskmourn: House of Horror.
A prominent figure in Democratic government policy has made the brash decision to change Commanders one hour into a game.
OPPONENT'S BATTLEFIELD - Salmon & beloved father to thousands Phillip Sherman has raised concerns over the unfair treatment of his family while other animals get to be people. We caught up with the protesting patriarch while he fertilized a riverbed full of eggs in the nude. "What, everyone who goes…
Universes Beyond: Call of Duty will consist of nothing but reprints and be released yearly with zero significant changes or innovations.
The bipedal pavement sculptor who wandered in front of traffic is presumed to have had amnesia for the 86th time and forgot what crosswalks are.
The decision to pay the alternative cost was made by Dennis Caturwal, who sacrificed his Great Aunt Lucile to keep the apartment.
Professional Magic: The Gathering player Michael Bertlong was seen picking a Tarmogoyf token out of a freshly-opened pack of Modern Horizons 3.
MOX MANIA - A new, not-at-all shocking report finds that that dude you played against with a precon over a decade ago has never forgiven you for Counterspelling his commander. Dude Berrywidth is currently 29 years old. In the time since your fateful casual…
Local politicians are doing their part to ensure the state remains energy-independent by banning all the energy cards from Modern Horizons 3.
