Theseus Claims His Commander Deck is Definitely Still a Precon

Jon Ruggiero • June 10, 2024

Fremont, KY - Local Magic: The Gathering player, Curtis Theseus, who is related to the mythic founder of the city of Athens, attempted to pass off a nearly original deck as a precon during rule zero discussions.

Theseus, who arrived at Cards And More Game Shop to play Commander this past weekend, claimed he was playing a pre-constructed deck he recently received as a gift.

"That guy was full of shit," explained fellow Magic player Clyde Rigsby, who faced Theseus' deck. "He claimed he got the deck as a gift when he rescued some kids from a rabid dog. I'm not gonna say that's true, but it was a weird thing to bring up. It was a Sevinne, the Chronoclasm deck; that precon is a really crappy deck that somehow came with Dockside Extortionist. No one should be playing that deck straight out of the box, but that's what he said it was.

"Now, I don't know that decklist that well, but I can't imagine a Secret Lair pixel Mountain came with the original deck, so when he played that turn 1, that's when I got suspicious. I let it pass when we were playing, but over time I realized that he never played any cards from the original list in that deck. Except for the Dockside Extortionist; he seemed to have that every game. I don't care who is great-great-great-great-great grandpa or whoever is, I'm not playing with him again."

Theseus went on to play a few games at the shop before leaving, but we were able to catch up with him to ask him about his deckbuilding philosophy.

"Look, I know I might have a more heightened ideal of what a Magic deck means," explained Theseus in a haughty and standoffish manner, "and I won't apologize for it. What a deck means is more important than what it is, and this is still, after all this time, the Sevinne precon. People are going to nitpick over the matter of my deck, but all I care about is a deck's form; I received this deck for my heroic deeds, and I hope that with it I can bring my ancestors pride as I play a card game against small people who claim I cheat. I certainly would never save those naysayers if they were tied to a train track."

At press time, Theseus left his deck on his car as he pulled away and lost the deck, but he was able to print up a proxy copy of the deck from his home computer.

Escape room designer, comedy show host, satire writer; Jon Ruggiero never misses an opportunity to do weird things for money. He's written for Cracked, Hard Times and Hard Drive, and hopes you enjoy what he writes here.