"Every Mechanic is Kicker" Says Man Whose Every Opinion is Unoriginal

Naomi Krause • May 17, 2024

CYBERCHASE - Donald Ingrid-Preston Shift recently achieved comic perfection by commenting "every mechanic is just kicker" on a post spoiling a new Magic: The Gathering card that does something if you do something.

DIPShift nobly left his remark amidst seventeen identical ones, just to be sure everyone got the joke. The man of taste later added "or horsemanship, am I right?", a hilarious follow-up sure to contribute to the discussion.

The connoisseur is a small-town lawyer with his own firm known as Donald Ingrid-Preston Shift & Associates. DIP Ass., well known for arguing over semantics and pointing out minor typos to 'win' arguments, cites the Wisconsin V. Pigeon case of 2014, which set the precedent that only they are allowed to regurgitate crap and feed it to everyone.

DIPShift went on to defend his firmly held beliefs that tutors are unhealthy for the format, Universes Beyond is bad, and does anyone else feel like they design too many cards for Commander?

"EDHREC homogenizes the format, you know?" continued Shift in the seventh paragraph of his rambling post. "Not the fact that every year we get a card so busted it goes in every possible deck; nah it's people sharing decklists. Back in the day, nobody shared decklists, and if they did it was some asshole on Tappedout running four Wall of Spears in Modern."

In spite of the three likes on his comment, not everyone has taken kindly to Shift's bravely delivered remarks.

"Actually, all of those bad things are good," interjected noted contrarian Almond Grey. "Homelands is my favorite set, I exclusively use Fortnite basic lands, and I only play with original Legends commanders that don't do anything."

In the midst of the brawl, a girl who just started playing had the gall to ask a question about the game on a discussion board and was summarily ridiculed by both parties. It was at that moment that the two combatants locked eyes and started violently making out with each other.

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