Mean Girl In Commander Pod Loves How You Just Play Anything

Naomi Krause • May 31, 2024

THE COOL TABLE - Notable control player and certified vagina synonym Alabama Cocks has begun to terrorize tables at the local game store, casting shade without paying its mana cost.

After a seemingly friendly smile and wave as the game began, Alabama noticed the fugly-ass sleeves you're using. She proceeded to gush, "Oh my god, I can't believe you're using Dragon Shields, you are so brave. If I were playing with those, I'd be sooooo embarrassed," before grabbing the $5000 foiled-out double-stuffed Grand Arbiter Augustin IV shell her dad bought her for Easter.

Alabama doesn't appear to be well-liked within the community, but most players are too terrified to do anything about it lest they incur her wrath.

"She just keeps telling us what we should target or who the threat is," said browbeaten underling Hannah Chrons. "We follow along since it keeps her from tearing us apart too hard, but it's a nightmare. One time I played a board wipe while her commander was out. She dropped everything and countered every single spell I cast for the rest of the night. Not just that game: the bitch follows you. Home."

When called out for her passive aggressive bullshit, Alabama rebutted, "Geez, chill out, I was just kidding, guess what everyone says about you is true," before swiftly changing the subject and refusing to elaborate further. "Don't you just love the Theros temples? They're so cute! It's great that they keep getting put in expensive Commander precons so newer players like you can learn the game. Oh, you've been playing for years? Huh, I never would've guessed."

The 26-year-old teenager later pulled Chrons aside for a private conversation we eavesdropped on because Kyle is taking forever with his turn, jesus christ, dude, hurry up. "You know everyone else has been saying stuff about your deck?" whispered Alabama. "Like 'why would they run that garbage' and 'wow they even made their basics look like dogshit'. Just letting you know, as a friend." 

"It's not my fault nobody else knows what to do," said Alabama after grinding a game with actual children to a halt before slapping down Thassa's Oracle. "It's just easier when I tell them who to target. I'm helping everyone be the best versions of themselves. Don't worry, that eight-year-old was crying before the game."

The night ended abruptly when Alabama was one-shotted by a 24/26 Dragonlord Dromoka after insisting she wasn't the threat, then revealing how she was just about to win.

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