Opinion: Instead of Using Dice, Let's All Touch the Same Gross Screen

Naomi Krause • April 12, 2024

You know the simple system of using two dice, some kind of numerical counter, or a notepad to clearly represent your life total? What if, instead of that, we all touched Harold's gross-ass Android? Sure, it's a tiny screen he uses to look at p*rn, and it hasn't been cleaned since 2018, but we can put logos behind our numbers!

Oh, and if the owner has to take a phone call, it's cool, we can just pause the game and kinda remember what everyone was at. 

Forget about the disturbingly high percentage of people who don't wash their hands after using public restrooms. Magic: The Gathering players are known for their immaculate hygiene, so have fun rolling the dice (no wait, don't roll dice) with that 1/10 chance of basically touching the genitals of that control player who just got back from the bathroom! 

Concerned about docking digits with another player? Don't be! It's not like more than one person has ever taken damage at the same time in a game of Magic. Even if they did, you can just awkwardly wait until one of you pokes the dingy first. Isn't that easier than slightly rotating a d10? Not to mention the raw amorous potential of brushing each others' hands only to imagine spending your lives together. That's the real reason we play Commander: to find love.

Need to track poison counters? We have you covered! Just pick up the phone, touch the tiny number in the corner to open a separate menu, then add a tiny green digit next to your other number! It's inside of the hitbox to add health, but it's okay if this app solely designed to track your life total doesn't track your life total very well. Get ready to do that every single time you get another poison counter, too! It's an elegant solution to a very real problem. 

Oh, and if you need to track one more thing, uh, it only shows one at a time, so open the menu every time, or use a dice if you really think you're going to be taking commander damage from two different sources. You're probably gonna want to keep bringing die anyway but not use them for this one thing. 

In summary, I want to hold your hand, but I'm too shy to ask.

i won a nintendo power caption contest in 2009 and it's been downhill ever since.