Local Man Sacrifices Nontoken Family Member to Pay Alternate Cost for Rent

Jon Ruggiero • July 8, 2024

Cleveland, OH - Due to the country's recent economic downturn, many people are looking for alternative methods to pay for amenities. This is true for the Caturwal family, who recently had to sacrifice a nontoken family member to pay for a month of residence in their apartment.

The decision to pay the alternative cost was made by father, Dennis Caturwal, who sacrificed his Great Aunt Lucile to keep the apartment where he lives with his wife and two children.

"This is the hardest time we've dealt with as a family," complained Caturwal while eating ramen out of a Harry Potter DVD case. "I didn't want to do it, but we've been trying to make ends meet the past year, and living paycheck to paycheck gets rough when you're doing it for the first time in your forties, so I looked everywhere I could for a solution. It's been a while since I read our leasing agreement, but I figured there's gotta be something in there to help us out.

"After going through the nearly 400-page contract, I found out that our rent had a few alternate costs. The first one was giving up 525,600 minutes of time, but I couldn't do the math and got worried about the logistics of it. Then I saw the sacrifice clause. It seems extreme, and I may live to regret this, but Aunt Lucile was on her way out. I'm sure she'd want us to have a place to stay more than she'd want to be alive, but we don't know, 'cause she's not here anymore."

We sat down to speak with the Caturwal's landlord, Ob Nixilis, the Adversary, who now goes by the title Ob Nixilis, the Freeholder after taking up the job earlier this year.

"Look, I know times are tough for my renters, but times are tough for me, too," explained the massive demon while lounging in an extravagant chair. "I've had to work on so many maintenance requests this past month. Sometimes I'm spread too thin, and I feel like I need to sacrifice a creature myself to make a copy of me just to get everything done. So listen, it's rough sometimes, but I'm not gonna shed a tear for them. And look at the bright side: thanks to that clause, they get to live there another month. At least they didn't lose their goddamn spark yet again and get stuck in this awful plane of Ohio."

At press time, the Caturwal's water was shut off after they forgot to pay for its cumulative upkeep.

Escape room designer, comedy show host, satire writer; Jon Ruggiero never misses an opportunity to do weird things for money. He's written for Cracked, Hard Times and Hard Drive, and hopes you enjoy what he writes here.