Disgraced Magic: The Gathering Artists Assemble Crew to Steal Mona Lisa

Naomi Krause • April 1, 2024

FRANCE, I ASSUME - In a shocking turn of events for the Pretty Pictures on Trading Cards industry, multiple artists who formerly contributed to Wizards of the Coast's projects have been apprehended in an attempt to steal the infamous Mona Lisa.

French Authorities have released multiple statements on the ill-fated heist, but we don't speak French, so I guess we'll never know what they said. We did, however, acquire what appears to be a thorough dossier used to identify potential crew members for the job.

Fay Dalton - The Assembler. With an uncanny ability to slap bits and pieces of art together as well as a penchant for crime novels, she's the perfect choice for getting a team together for one last job. 

Seb McKinnon - The Codebreaker. After his family was gunned down by QR-code-toting maniacs, McKinnon dedicated his life to destroying ciphers wherever he goes. With his relentless holy shit will you stop tweeting about this already talents, any security systems are bound to awkwardly stand aside so they don't have to deal with him. Should also be helpful if one of the guards is a redhead we need to murder.

Jason Felix - Doctor Xerox. When you need an exact replica, Felix is your man. With a honed eidetic memory, he can pretend to stumble into the security wing, catch a fleeting  glimpse of the museum's blueprints, then recreate them to a T. Except for any parts that have a watermark, he'll kinda awkwardly scribble around those. 

David Sondered - The Legman. Once we have the painting in our possession and replaced with a perfect Fay Dalton duplicate (pictured below), we'll need to find an escape route. Sondered has a knack for finding stairs, so his sixth sense is sure to sniff out a hidden security corridor.

 

 

Noah Bradley - The Seducer. We didn't actually invite Bradley; he kinda just showed up and won't stop creeping on us. Uhh, he'll try and hit on a guard or something. Then, when he's getting kicked out and whining about being canceled, the rest of us can sneak in for the actual heist.

Terese Nielsen - The Infiltrator. Nielsen's immaculate body of work has been lauded for decades, so she'll fit in perfectly with museum regulars and art snobs. Only afterwards will she start sharing her QAnon theories god dammit, never mind.

 

Reportedly, the heist was all going according to plan before the crew arrived at the museum and started copying five different Ocean's movies as well as one Agent Cody Banks.



my dog just died and i'm not dealing with it well.