Texas Outlaws Modern Horizon 3 Packs in Order to Maintain Energy Independence

Jon Ruggiero • June 24, 2024

Austin, TX - Local politicians are doing their part to ensure the state remains energy-independent, and to further that cause they are banning all recent Magic: The Gathering cards that create energy.

Newly released Magic set, Modern Horizons 3, includes many new energy-producing cards, and those cards are the first to be banned under a new Texas Law, the Never Acquiesce Integrity Versus Energy Act, championed by Senator Harlan Yeehaw.

"Energy independence is a cause I care deeply about," explained Yeehaw while grilling in his statehouse office, "because it's a cause Texas cares deeply about. It doesn't matter that we have record-setting blackouts almost monthly and the slightest variation in weather causes power loss to entire communities; we are as independent as we believe the Founding Fathers wanted us to be.

"To ensure we retain this status quo, we're banning all Modern Horizon 3 energy cards from the state. The only resources we need are the natural God-given oil and gasses we mine, not some new-fangled scientific advancements. First, those 'scientists' said we could get free energy from radiation, then they said we could get it from the sun, now they want to tell us we just need to pay one blue mana to cast Tune the Narrative and get that energy plus card draw? I know sorcery when I hear it, even when it's on an instant, and there's no room for sorcery in Texas."

While the politicians were lauding themselves for passing the legislation, the effects of the energy ban are being felt by local citizens like Magic player Nick Tramain.

"The blackouts we've been dealing with are bad enough," said Tramain dispiritedly while fanning himself with a copy of Ice Out, "but now I'm legally not allowed to upgrade my Liberty Prime, Recharged deck? That's bullshit; I'm an American and I should have the right to upgrade my Communism-hating robot with as many new toys as I can get my hands on, like Bespoke Battlewagon and Phyrexian Ironworks. This is yet another instance of politicians trying to force their beliefs onto us common folk, and frankly I'm about to declare independence from Texas if it keeps getting this bad."

At press time, Yeehaw and his fellow politicians were rocked by controversy after it was discovered that they had their own Modern Horizons 3 draft within the statehouse.

Escape room designer, comedy show host, satire writer; Jon Ruggiero never misses an opportunity to do weird things for money. He's written for Cracked, Hard Times and Hard Drive, and hopes you enjoy what he writes here.