Pinkertons Visit Home of Man Who Remembers Announcement of Magic: The Gathering TV Show

Jon Ruggiero • May 20, 2024

Freelance Muscle by Randy Vargas

Toledo, OH - In an attempt to get rid of any and all information regarding the Magic: The Gathering TV Show, Wizards of the Coast sent Pinkerton employees to the home of a man who recalled a memory of the announcement of a Magic: The Gathering TV show.

Huster Glace, a life-long Magic: The Gathering fan, was dismayed to receive a knock on the door and a visit from the historically awful "security management" agents.

"I'd heard about the Pinkerton stuff before but never thought it could happen to me," explained Glace, referring to the time Wizards sent Pinkerton agents to the home of a YouTuber who was spoiling unreleased cards. "And hell, I wasn't even doing anything! I was just sittin' here, waiting to get into this Arena draft, when I thought 'I wonder what ever happened to that Netflix Magic show they announced?' Twenty minutes later, I'd finished the draft 0-3, thanks to the god-awful shuffler, then I heard a loud knock on the door.

"Imagine my surprise when I saw it was two guys in Pinkerton jackets. They basically pushed open my door and started to threaten me. They were going on about 'IP integrity' this and 'market sustainability' that and a whole bunch of nonsense, but basically said I can't think about that TV show anymore. I don't know if it means they're not making it anymore or what, but hell, I'll forget about it as long as they don't send their mercs after me again."

Though no one at Wizards of the Coast would corroborate this story, we were able to speak with someone from Wizards who wished to remain anonymous.

"I've been worried about dealing with this, ever since the last time I talked to you guys about that Balatro Secret Lair," said the anonymous informant from a shadowy area in the parking garage where we spoke to them. "We canceled the TV show back in March, but didn't want to say because the higher-ups were embarrassed that it didn't happen. Hasbro kept wanting it to be the next Barbie, but Netflix wanted another thing entirely and the whole thing stalled. And don't get me started on the Unglued cartoon we were working on..."

The interview ended abruptly after our informant screamed "Run!" after seeing an obviously fake pizza delivery truck potentially carrying Pinkerton agents pull up behind us.

Escape room designer, comedy show host, satire writer; Jon Ruggiero never misses an opportunity to do weird things for money. He's written for Cracked, Hard Times and Hard Drive, and hopes you enjoy what he writes here.