GET A LAWYER – After seeing a vague, colorful piece of cardboard mug an old woman on Monday morning, the only witness to the crime found themselves unable to finger the Magic: The Gathering card from amongst gathered suspects. “I don’t know how to keep track of these kids anymore.”…
URZA’S FACTORY – Once a starry eyed child doodling cards somehow more balanced than most of the crap on r/custommagic, card designer Nadine Elliot’s spirit has been broken after years of making the same two cards kiss over and over again. “I thought I’d be making cool commanders and lands…
With wedding season and tariff season coming at the same time this year, brides, grooms, and bride-grooms all over the United States are feeling added strain on their wedding budgets. Our newly self-proclaimed Style Section writer Jeff Girten sat down with a soon-to-be-bride, “Jenny,” to discuss how she’s getting clever…
Denver, CO – Dungeons & Dragons has seen a tremendous surge in popularity over the past five years. Going from an activity groups of nerds did huddled in their mother’s basement to something groups of nerds do at game stores, bars, and apparently even in sold-out arenas all over the world…
In a surprise collab you didn’t know you needed, Dungeons & Dragons has released a new Therapy Edition in partnership with BetterHelp. This new “never-ending campaign” costs $250 per session and allows players to explore the dark depths of their personal trauma. In a sneak preview, this reporter was able to see…
Renton, WA – Just weeks after promising no more non-emergency Commander bans this year, Wizards of the Coast announced today that Dockside Chef has been banned retroactive to September 23, 2024. New WotC press secretary Karoline Banitt released a brief statement on the banning:…
Self-proclaimed financial genius Ffej Netrig is certain he’s identified a way to consistently outperform the stock market: something he’s calling his “Warhammer 401k.” That’s right, Mr. Netrig has invested all $2,300 of his life savings into wargame miniatures. “With all this turmoil rocking the stock market every day, I tell…
Nearly a dozen fans of Final Fantasy and Magic: The Gathering were seen protesting outside of the headquarters of Square Enix this morning.
The card has drawn criticism for being overpowered. Senior staff in R&D were told it was fine by Playtesting, but they were all of them deceived.
The British Army has received support from swaths of American citizens clamoring for a return to fascist monarchic rule for some fucking reason. This fervor has the current British Monarch they still have for some reason feeling absolutely giddy.
PISA, Italy – This week’s Paupergeddon tournament should have been a safe haven for those penniless Magic players Welcome to the Black Parade was talking about. Instead, it’s become an ideological battleground as ‘Pro-Lifers’ swarmed en masse to protest the preemptive banning of Cranial…
“It happened to my girlfriend too but that was after her god damn skin turned inside out. She didn’t leave it in her back pocket with her keys.”
She proceeded to gush “Oh my god I can’t believe you’re using Dragon Shields, you are so brave. If I were playing with those, I'd be sooooo embarrassed.”
The stats don't lie: If someone thinking about trying the game is shown a Dungeon Descent, they're 70% less likely to become involved.
The heist was all going according to plan before the crew started copying five different Ocean's movies as well as one Agent Cody Banks.
For skeletons, I use the person whose face I saw every day for years. The beautiful, ethereal face I see leering into my blackened heart every time I close my eyes…
Commander enthusiast Melanie Grayson made the decision today to scrap her 2011 Mimeoplasm deck and wanted to make their last day together a good one.
"I was gonna run hatebears, but then I realized that'd involve considering my opponents' point of view and I'm really not up for that right now."
We can't see Dr. Manhattan's junk, but right on the main character's face clear as day is my dad sucking my mom's toes.
They keep catering to this casual format, when they should be catering to literally nobody. That's how they made the Reserved List, and that's how they should make everything.
"Sheoldred, the Apocalypse being a nuisance is far lower on the totem pole than rats swimming in the deep fryer."
"We want to keep the game fun for everyone," said Canks. "Except for Kevin. Seriously, **** that guy. Fast mana warps the entire game, and Kevin warps my fundamental belief that human beings are inherently good."
"Look, do you want to play card games at a table like a loser or with badass holograms?" said Duel Disk inventor and solar elevator salesman Seto Kaiba.
Oncologists at St. Traft General Hospital had the heartbreaking task of informing a patient's family that he has only months, or approximately 178 more seasons of Magic The Gathering Cards being spoiled, left to live.
"Ever since that tragic day in the alley behind the opera house, I've done everything in my power to ensure the winged rats will never feel safe again."
"The site told me to talk to my babushka and I realized the bottomless hole in my heart "will never be filled with cardboard, only homemade cookies."
As Orcish Bowmasters dominates every format it's legal in, controversy has erupted and NBC wants a taste of that morally dubious pie.
"I just don't want everyone else looking at me and thinking I'm weird." buzzed Uneasy Sliver through the great hum.
