LGS's Commander Banlist Adds Sol Ring, Dockside Extortionist, Kevin

Naomi Krause • September 29, 2023

LIBRARY OF ALEXANDRIA; THAT HAS TO BE THE NAME OF AN LGS SOMEWHERE, RIGHT? - Local game store Library of Alexandria has opted to create their own banlist for Commander night, including much-maligned format staples Sol Ring, Dockside Extortionist, and Kevin James Fletcher.

Store owner Barlton Canks is usually hesitant to hand out bans, but isn't expecting much resistance on this one.

"We want to keep the game fun for everyone," said Canks. "Except for Kevin. Seriously, **** that guy. Fast mana warps the entire game, and Kevin warps my fundamental belief that human beings are inherently good."

Kevin's known for building storm decks that take 40-minute turns, getting pissy when anyone targets his stuff, and having questionable-at-best opinions of minority representation in card games.

"When something is omnipresent and sees play everywhere, that's when it's necessary to take action," continued Canks. "And, boy oh boy, does Kevin meet the criteria. You could be sitting five tables away and still hear him bitch about an opponent who dared to play interaction."

This meta-shattering update comes hot off the heels of The Library's previous controversial move, asking players to wear deodorant at least sometimes, please Jesus Christ.

"Yeah, I just don't get why they gotta make everything so political," said Kevin between his 13th and 14th extra Tivit, Seller of Secrets turns at a different store. "God, with the dumbass pride lair and that new Aragorn, wait, COME ON, JERRY, HOW AM I EVEN THE THREAT RIGHT NOW? Sorry, that nine-year-old pisses me off, where were we?"

Other items on the committee's radar are Mana Crypt, Llanowar Elves, for some reason, and the store owner's cat, Caesar, who's cute but keeps knocking shit over.

i won a nintendo power caption contest in 2009 and it's been downhill ever since.