Witness Unable To Identify Magic Card In Police Lineup

GET A LAWYER – After seeing a vague, colorful piece of cardboard mug an old woman on Monday morning, the only witness to the crime found themselves unable to finger the Magic: The Gathering card from amongst gathered suspects.

“I don’t know how to keep track of these kids anymore.” said veteran detective who detects veterans Cumlumbo. “Back in my day, we could see a black border with terrible stats and be able to say ‘oh, that’s a Magic card alright’. Nowadays if you aren’t an etched foil secret lair movie poster tattoo based on Hillary Duff, there’s no telling where you’re from. I miss the days when we could just arrest anyone with impunity. I mean, we still do that, but there’s way more paperwork.” 

“We know the perp is a Magic card because our witness said they saw it curl into a perfect cylinder before rolling down a hill to escape. Sadly, thanks to beef jerky moisture packets, that’s not much to go on.”

Amongst canvassed suspects, a rookie officer rounded up an old Ramen label, the maze on the back of a camping cereal box and a North Carolina fishing license. The fishing license is the current leading suspect.

We caught up with the officer to ask for his thoughts on the matter.

“Eh, formatting is all over the place,” said officer Pachinko. “So we figured the one with a bunch of rules text would be our best bet. It’s got a creature type and everything. Unfortunately, all it says is that someone needs to report for jury duty next week.”

Police originally asked for anyone who believes they saw a semi-curled Magic card to call the tip line, but rescinded the request after being inundated with millions of calls.

Author’s Note: Naomi Krause, the extremely sexy and financially stable writer of this article, made the header image months ago and legitimately couldn’t tell if the ramen box was a Secret Lair card or not.