Orcish Bowmasters to Host 'Saturday Night Live' Premiere Amid Controversy

Naomi Krause • August 4, 2023

SNL Announcement Tweet | Art by Naomi Krause

As Saturday Night Live prepares to embark on its 49th season, executives have decided to start off with a bang by announcing the oft-maligned Orcish Bowmasters will host the premiere episode on September 30th.

Showrunner Lorne Michaels appeared to be ecstatic about the decision, giggling like a schoolgirl at the sight of nerdy protestors outside 30 Rock.

"With the actually talented people who make the show work on strike because we treat them like shit, we needed to find a painfully unfun piece of sentient garbage who was given way too much in life," said Michaels between breaths. "Thus we settled on Ragavan, Nimble Pilferer. Unfortunately he can't talk, so in the meantime we emailed Orcish Bowmasters and they were free.

The surprise star of the Lord of the Rings: Tales of Middle-earth set has become more popular than every legendary character combined, but not necessarily for the right reasons. As the pushed creature dominates every format it's legal in, controversy has erupted, and NBC wants a taste of that morally dubious pie.

"We've had so many talentless assholes on the show over the years that spiked ratings into the stratosphere, so this felt like a no-brainer."

Some cast members are refusing to be seen alongside the 1/1 that could cost twice as much mana and still see a significant amount of play.



"They can deal damage to any target, and that includes my career," said newcomer Molly Kearney. "The show brings in some dickhead so morons like you write articles and drum up press, then later on after the damage has already been done they'll give a half-assed apology and do it all over again next year. There's one every season, just let them stomp around amassing their fanboys and hopefully we'll forget about their embarrassing performance by next week."

We asked the Bowmasters to comment on their problematic behavior, but they just muttered something about ban/cancel culture, said the show hasn't been funny since they were teens, then threw a pen at the cue card guy when he drew a new one.

I write stuff about card games that occasionally makes you lightly chuckle. if you're actually reading this go donate a dollar to the International Crane Foundation http://savingcranes.org