MONTPELIER, VT- Oncologists at St. Traft General Hospital had the heartbreaking task of informing a patient and his family that he has only a few months, or approximately 178 more seasons of Magic: the Gathering cards being spoiled, left to live.
34-year-old Miguel Sanchez is an avid Magic player who has sadly been dealt a raw hand.
"He's had these issues since childhood," said Miguel's father Lionel. "Battling product fatigue for so long really took it out of him. A few years back, some other kid in his ward used their Make-A-Wish to ask them to make more Magic cards. Should've known it'd be a monkey's paw situation."
Medical staff at St. Traft General were devastated by the large number of both new releases that are going to be Universe Beyond and malignant tumors in Sanchez's body.
"This is the hardest part of the job." said RN Kathy Greenwood. "Normally with the advancement of medical technology, patient outcomes only look better with time. Unfortunately in this case, Spoilers occur roughly twenty seven times as often as they did a decade ago so the prognosis is grim."
"Sad to say, he will most likely only make it to the beginning months of next year, just in time for Ravnica Murder Mansion, RMM Commander Precons, Universe Beyond Assassins Creed, Secret Lair Drop Winter 2024, Magic: The Cowboying, Secret Lair: From The Vault: Magic 30 Angels, Return to Return to Return to Ravnica, and around 172 more. So he's only going to see roughly 1,400 more cards in his lifetime, mere sparks on the trail of the crappy Magic Arena timer. Sad stuff."
Wizards of the Coast have heard the upsetting news and decided to take a break from renting murderers to push out an extra 38 products this season just for Miguel. Unfortunately, none of the Secret Lairs are projected to ship on time, but it's a kind gesture that'll give his parents some pretty, worthless, largely illegible reprints to remember him by.