Revolutionary War Resumes After Discovery of King George III's Platinum Angel

Naomi Krause • July 7, 2024

LEXINGTON, MA - Attendees of the 2024 Independence Day celebration in Massachusetts last week were caught off guard by a regiment of British Redcoats marching on the city aiming to retake the thirteen colonies. This attack was instigated by the actions of an intrepid archaeologist who recently discovered a Platinum Angel tucked away in King George III's rib cage.

The decrepit, two-centuries-old artifact creature retrieved from the corpse has been charitably described in its online auction as "Moderately Played". It of course bears the infamous rules text of "You can't lose the game" like you, the reader, just did. Pundits have drawn comparisons to the creature's previous deadly kerfuffle at Pro Tour Honolulu and are praying for someone to Krosan Grip this nonsense before even more blood is shed.

Oddly enough, the British Army has received support from swaths of American citizens clamoring for a return to fascist monarchic rule, for some fucking reason. This fervor has left the current British sovereign absolutely giddy.

"I was only a boy when the news that we had lost to the revolutionary scum first arrived from across the Atlantic," commented King Charles III. "We assumed the war was over after the Siege of Yorktown; however, the great legal minds of the time appear to have failed to properly acknowledge the King's artifact creature. It was well known that the Yankee rabble could hardly read, so in retrospect this misplay isn't all that surprising. While the treaty appears to proclaim the colonial victory in no uncertain terms, upon further examination of the board state, our barristers have confirmed that cannot legally be the case."

Alexander Hamilton, the only rules expert on scene during the original surrender, was evidently distracted by just not at all understanding how duels work.

Both sides have agreed to restrict themselves to military technology of the time to keep the board more or less the same as it was before its improper interruption; there is also no desire to deal with the headache of updated rules text regarding state-based actions and war crimes. 

In spite of these tentative decorum agreements, America finds itself woefully unprepared for a return to pre-Mending warfare. The nation's cries of, "England is totally the threat, you guys, seriously," have fallen upon deaf ears.

"It's weird the French don't want to carry our asses this time," began general Thoss Runderbolt "Just because we reneged on one tiny deal after they basically won a war for us. Way to hold a grudge, dicks."

As of this morning, negotiations have reached an impasse while international judges attempt to use the Chains of Mephistopheles flowchart to figure out what the hell the War of 1812 even was.