IHOP Banned In All Formats By FDA - October 6, 2023 Banned and Restricted Announcement

Naomi Krause • October 6, 2023


EVERY STRIP MALL - The United States Food and Drug Administration announced this morning that the international house of burgers has been banned everywhere and should not be considered an option when building your breakfast.

The announcement came as a shock to many after the administration failed to outlaw Wizards of the Coast's previous frozen food venture, Magic: The Gathering Hot Pockets.

"Just because they taste slightly more like cardboard than regular hot Pockets, that doesn't make them ban worthy." said FDA commissioner Randy Mayhew. "We've found that IHOP is just too degenerate and unhealthy everywhere it sees play. Pairing your Simic deck with a breakfast sampler means that you're gonna be vomiting up lands and puking up bacon."

Modern, Vintage, Proxies Made Out Of Toast, and other formats have been warped by the chain restaurant ever since they launched their brilliant marketing initiative to convince card game whales to eat pancakes I guess.

The FDA has been keeping a close eye on Denny's as well, but deems them to be slightly less gross. This move has critics and half of Arizona's Smash Bros. community for some reason up in arms, likening it to Splinter Twin's "unjust" ban of 2016 or when they stopped doing all you can eat pancakes just because that one guy died.

"Sheoldred, the Apocalypse being a nuisance is far lower on the totem pole than rats swimming in the deep fryer." continued Mayhew. "If we don't do this, it's only a matter of time before some poor kid accidentally ingests an egg that hatches inside of their stomach. While that may seem far fetched, it's more reasonable than most of our rulings so take what you can get."

In response to the backlash, Waffle House has announced their plans to put reserved list cards in between a few lucky customers' pancake stacks. Twelve asphyxiations have been reported so far.


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