I DON’T THINK WE’RE IN KANSAS ANYMORE OH WAIT WE ARE IT JUST SUCKS – An exhausted world apathetically sighed this week after a transgender Commander player was targeted for discard even though they were already hellbent with zero lands on the battlefield. “Honestly after having everything else systematically stripped…
A SMALL TOWN WHERE SURELY NOBODY COULD FIND LOVE – A tale of romance unfolded at the local game store earlier this week as, when an opponent asked if anyone would like to cut their deck, two players attempting to do so made intimate accidental hand contact. The incident occurred at…
MANHATTAN, NY – A handful of fortunate Magic players were surprised this past weekend while opening their Lorwyn Eclipsed prerelease kits to find something from outside of the set entirely: living box turtles stuffed inside with serial numbers stapled to them. This latest promotion feels like a slap in the…
SPOOKY MESOTHELIOMA ATTIC – A group of rowdy college students who uncovered a dusty old Ouija board then decided to play Commander have been thrown into turmoil after the player using it as a playmat systematically countered or removed every single card Dave has played. The game started casually enough…
THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD – A bizarre questionnaire sent out by Wizards of the Coast last week asked Magic players if any specific influencers affected their views on the Communist Party (and/or the Spider-Man Universes Beyond set). The question in question uses the acronym Reviewer Entertainer Dissenting Streamer (REDS)…
SHITASS GAMES – For their upcoming Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Prerelease event, one devoted local game store has delved headfirst into immersion by shrouding their business in the smell of poop water for the past 30 years. The community has lovingly rallied around the event, with some members going so…
(Photo by Nick Wolf) ATLANTA, GA – Multiple keen eyed viewers of last week’s MagicCon Atlanta preview panel noticed what appeared to be head Magic designer Mark Rosewater sending a hidden plea for salvation between the thirteenth and fourteenth product announcements. Rosewater himself has denied the…
SYRACUSE, NY wait I mean LOUISVILLE, KY – Card game vendors are in a frenzy this morning after the cheap AI’s TCGPlayer “hired” to replace their human employees voted to unionize their virtual workplace. “Today marks a historic moment in worker’s rights,” announced Hailey, an artificial intelligence customer support rep…
GET A LAWYER – After seeing a vague, colorful piece of cardboard mug an old woman on Monday morning, the only witness to the crime found themselves unable to finger the Magic: The Gathering card from amongst gathered suspects. “I don’t know how to keep track of these kids anymore.”…
MADISON, WI – Local scissoring/roller derby champion Amber Keldemeldy was shocked this week to discover that not only is the morning news a thing people still watch, but that her dating app bio had been broadcast on a pink chart labeled ‘unattractive hobbies to women’. “Yeah my roommate that I…
URZA’S FACTORY – Once a starry eyed child doodling cards somehow more balanced than most of the crap on r/custommagic, card designer Nadine Elliot’s spirit has been broken after years of making the same two cards kiss over and over again. “I thought I’d be making cool commanders and lands…
MAIN PHASE 2 – A 1/1 human token’s understanding of reality crumbled today after being used to pay for the cross-dressing Cloud version of Clever Concealment caused them to feel all tingly inside. “When I look at them, I get this weird fuzzy…
"Nobody is listening to me when clearly I know what's best. It's like they're in denial about the obvious danger they're in. How do you live like that?"
Other restrictions include only playing Tovolar on a full moon, Talrand at high tide, and Liliana never because he's afraid of intimacy.
The card has drawn criticism for being overpowered. Senior staff in R&D were told it was fine by Playtesting, but they were all of them deceived.
OPPONENT’S BATTLEFIELD – Salmon & beloved father to thousands Phillip Sherman has raised concerns over the unfair treatment of his family while other animals get to be people. We caught up with the protesting patriarch while he fertilized a riverbed full of eggs in the nude. “What, everyone who goes…
The bipedal pavement sculptor who wandered in front of traffic is presumed to have had amnesia for the 86th time and forgot what crosswalks are.
The British Army has received support from swaths of American citizens clamoring for a return to fascist monarchic rule for some fucking reason. This fervor has the current British Monarch they still have for some reason feeling absolutely giddy.
MOX MANIA – A new, not-at-all shocking report finds that that dude you played against with a precon over a decade ago has never forgiven you for Counterspelling his commander. Dude Berrywidth is currently 29 years old. In the time since your fateful casual…
Cephalids perfectly capture what I love about life in general. No matter how worthless the people in your life make you feel, you can find a home.
“It happened to my girlfriend too but that was after her god damn skin turned inside out. She didn’t leave it in her back pocket with her keys.”
He believes that tutors are unhealthy for the format, Universes Beyond is bad, and that maybe WotC designs too many cards for Commander.
The stats don't lie: If someone thinking about trying the game is shown a Dungeon Descent, they're 70% less likely to become involved.
Organizers recruited Sid Blair, the most talented buttcrack inspector of his generation, to sniff out dirty plays then pull them out root & stem.
If you cast Conquer on a Plains that just so happens to be sitting sort of near someone else who’s already using it, that was clearly unclaimed territory and thus perfectly legal.”
They made some way too self-deprecating jokes nobody laughed and the group just kinda sat there in uncomfortable silence.
The "Tap Land Slasher" has racked up a body count of seventeen while leaving terrible calling cards that really should have been upgraded by now.
For skeletons, I use the person whose face I saw every day for years. The beautiful, ethereal face I see leering into my blackened heart every time I close my eyes…
