Trans Magic Player With Empty Hand Thoughtseized Anyways
I DON’T THINK WE’RE IN KANSAS ANYMORE OH WAIT WE ARE IT JUST SUCKS – An exhausted world apathetically sighed this week after a transgender Commander player was targeted for discard even though they were already hellbent with zero lands on the battlefield.
“Honestly after having everything else systematically stripped away from me, this wasn’t that bad.” said Stone Holscher, the nonbinary player named after a rock in question. “It was just kinda inconvenient and annoying. Also illegal since I had a Leyline of Sanctity which explicitly provides me with basic protection from this type of bullshit but nahhhh who needs the rules when we want to pick on someone we don’t like.”
This historic move marks the first known time a Commander player’s complaint about being targeted is actually valid, and its perpetrators couldn’t be happier.
“Sure, they hardly have anything left,” said opponent to humanity Why Masterson, “But we wanted them to know we can rip even that away from them at any time we want (thank you government funded Vedalken Orrery). It’s not about helping anyone, it’s about sending a message. Not sure who originally said that, but I’m pretty sure it was the good guy.”
The spell actively harms the people who cast it for zero tangible gain other than to make a tiny percentage of the table feel unwelcome, which most players are cool with.
“So long as my hand’s ok, I’m fine with it. After they’re eliminated, we’ll probably be left alone.” said another player in the midst of a Mindslaver lock.
“Chet did just reveal a kidfucker Blightsteel Colossus that’s been ruining lives forever that he can Sneak Attack any second,” continued Why. “But that player with pronouns might… ummm. They could… hmm what do they do again? Use the bathroom? Yeah we gotta prioritize putting a stop to that, better sorry than safe or whatever.”
Magic: The Gathering designers have gone on record stating “We don’t want to reprint Thoughtseize in standard because it creates an unfun atmosphere that can prove especially hostile to anyone who lost an arbitrary coin flip before the game even started.” This paragraph isn’t here for any reason.
