Chess League Hires Magic: The Gathering Buttcrack Guy To Detect Cheaters

Naomi Krause • April 26, 2024

ST. LOUIS, MO - In an attempt to crack down on future scandals, organizers of the Grand Chess Tour have recruited Sid Blair aka "Bigg Pound", perhaps the most talented buttcrack inspector of his generation, to sniff out dirty plays then pull them out root and stem.

This update comes after the infamous 2023 US Chess Championships. There, rumors popped up like genetic hemorrhoids after someone suggested a tournament upset was due to the transmission of information to a player via. a well hidden Morse Code device. Topical PR ointments didn't work, and the story quickly spread everywhere.

"Look, we get it." said League Organizer Mans Holeman. "'Haha someone shoved something naughty up their butt to win chess'. It's funny. You know what's not funny? That's the most press we've gotten in years. Then, when we tried to manage the scandal, we found out the shit wasn't even real. Just air."

"Moving forward, if we're going to act on an allegation before it runs out of control, we can't rely on semi-solid theories alone. That's where Sid Blair comes in."

Blair is a predominant figure in tournament exposure, having infamously received a year long ban after bravely reporting on the yawning portals of Magic Grand Prix Richmond 2014. The league hopes his presence will squash any rumors "before they can even get off (the ground)."

Holeman believes the detective's supernatural senses will be able to clench down on any issues, squish them out and lessen their grip, but Blair isn't holding his breath. 

"We don't want to go full TSA on people who move little statues around," said Blair in the midst of his 10,000 daily squats, "but there are gaping holes in security that need to be plugged."

Here's hoping Bigg Pound and the community can come together and shake this thing out once and for all.


i won a nintendo power caption contest in 2009 and it's been downhill ever since.