Experiment Teaching Dog Magic: The Gathering Immediately Canned After He Plays Lands In Front

Naomi Krause • April 20, 2024

A controversial experiment to teach a dog how to play Magic: The Gathering at the University of Wisconsin has been brought to an abrupt and tragic end after the test subject played lands in front of his other permanents. 

The good boy in question, Commet (yes with two M's shut up) Krause, is an 18 year old Australian cattle dog mutt who was chosen for his years of experience in the field. He's spent more time stepping all over cards placed on the floor than anyone alive.

"Progress began at a surprisingly rapid rate.", said head researcher Jack Example. "The dog was able to pick up basic mechanics more quickly than my dumbass son."

"We had our worries when the subject kept picking a mono red Krenko, Mob Boss deck." added Stan Example, Jack's son also on the team. "We figured his brain may be damaged, but insisted on seeing things through to the end. How naive we were."

"First he played one mountain up front, surely nothing more than a small mistake. Then he dropped a second basic parallel to the first, and we began to panic. Turn three is when he played a Temple of the False God up front and all hell broke loose. The team frantically scrambled to put the lands where they should be, but it was too late. The damage had already been done. I don't know what a Chernobyl is, but I'm pretty sure this was worse than that. Commet was DCI Banned for two weeks due to our hubris, and I will never forgive myself for that."

After emergency services arrived and put him in a cute ass crisis blanket, Commet attempted to explain his actions through Canine Sign Language, a far less useful tool the team developed that will also be destroyed.

"That's how I learned to play way back in the day," began the dementia addled dog. "It's easier to know how much mana I have, and I like making my boardstate even more of a clusterfuck than your typical Commander one." Sad, incomprehensible gibberish.

"Don't blame the dog," said Jack. "Blame the fools who pushed him into making horrible life choices. We flew too close to the sun with wings of cardboard and ended up getting that weird, faded light damage cards get from being by the window for a long time."

After enduring such extreme mental trauma, Commet went on an adventure to a Remote Farm upstate where he can blissfully play lands and pee on them wherever he pleases.

(Love you buddy, hope you're having fun backflipping for snowballs and humping Skippy)

I write stuff about card games that occasionally makes you lightly chuckle. if you're actually reading this go donate a dollar to the International Crane Foundation http://savingcranes.org