Youth Pastor Knows a Super Cool Legendary Creature You Should Build Around

Naomi Krause • December 1, 2023

MAZOMANIE, WI - Local cool guy priest Jackson Fyve saw some kids playing Commander in the back pew last Sunday and began raving about his favorite legendary creature: Cao Cao, Lord of Wei. Just kidding, it's Jesus.

We caught up with Fyve after service while he was busy setting up folding chairs in the basement kids are forced to sit in.

"If you think about it, the King James Bible was the first errata." said Fyve between handing out fidget spinner crosses. "I see your Geralf's Messenger has undying, just like a certain friend of mine. Oh, Parallel Lives multiplies your Food tokens? Hmm, reminds me of some loaves and fishes."

Not everyone, or anyone, is a fan of this new relatable approach to dank zoomer influencers.

"I guess he means well," said Kevin, a recently atheist tween smoking outside of Sunday school. "But it's so goddamn forced. Like, it might be funny once or twice, but he's been saying this stuff all week. It has zero substance, just like the Bible."

"I can't help it if the ten commandments are a pretty 100 emoji banlist themselves," butted in Fyve. "My main man Jeeze has islandwalk and bands with all of us. Don't even get me started on the flipside of this MFing MDFC. Also, if you're running Alesha, Who Smiles at Death, you're going to hell and your family will disown you."

If nothing else, parishioners can rest assured the focus on Commander is well within Fyve's grasp. If anyone knows about changing zones to prevent lasting removal, it's the church.

i hate bios. i love nature preserves. if you're actually reading this go donate a dollar to the International Crane Foundation