Wizards of the Coast Spokesman Insists Art Wasn't Generated By AI While Oil Pours From His Eyes

Naomi Krause • January 12, 2024

PLACE WHERE IT IS - With controversy surrounding Wizards of the Coast's use of AI imaging to create promotional art, company spokesman Norm L. Guy released a statement denying the accusations while an ominous, glistening liquid oozed out of his eyelids. 

"The idea that we'd utilize controversial technology then obfuscate its use is absurd," said Guy while tucking what appeared to be a mechanical sword nipple back into his shirt. "We have access to some of the most talented artists in the world, many of whom wouldn't fall victim to their own frivolous controversies if they simply surrendered to the heartbeat of the Great Machine. Why fix what isn't broken? Well, I mean, there are thousands of reasons, but that's beside the point." 

In spite of Guy's moistened charisma, members of the press remain skeptical.  

"I want to believe them, they have a squeaky-clean track record free from blights," began reporter Pryce Gambino while a trickle of obsidian ichor grapevined up his leg. "Free from stains, free from imperfections, unburdened by the crushing weight of individuality." 

"AI art in our promotional materials just isn't real," continued Guy. "We won't stand for rumors of us hiding it in plain sight, ready to reveal itself as soon as we can get away with never paying artists again as some kind of 'sleeper art'. The notion that we would is as absurd as the notion of free will." 

About 14 minutes after the conference wrapped, Wizards came out and announced that they actually did employ AI art in promotional materials but it was an isolated incident that has nothing to do with the enormous porcelain machine they're building underground.

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