Compiled by Upperclassmen Who Are No Longer Allowed Near Orientation (You won’t listen. That’s fine. We didn’t either) BEFORE DAY 1 Read this now. Read it again when you hate everything. Read it a third time when you hate yourself. If things feel calm, let them.
New York City’s new mayor Zohran Mamdani promised to crack down on “basic landlords” in a press statement earlier today. “For too long have the basic landlords in this city failed to meet the needs of their tenants,” Mamdani proclaimed. “When you put down a Forest, you will be asked…
SEATTLE, Wash. — Commander’s Herald scooped an unexpected piece of exclusive news while attending Seattle FlannelCon LXIX this past weekend to cover the public reveal of Secret Lair: Regular-Ass Shirts. During an interview with Magic’s head designer Mark Rosewater, he made an insinuation that seemed too out there to…
GRAPEVINE, TX — Over the past few weeks, chatter has grown around a potential buyout of eBay by GameStop. However, thanks to some internal leaks and small bribes to underpaid interns, the Commander’s Herald has come to learn the discussions are much further along, with eBay looking to unload…
Lake City, Florida — Silver rank, Master Yi-main Billy Helminster was baffled last night as he came in dead last at his local Riftbound local championship without any teammates to drag him down. “It was so bizarre,” Helminster claimed, “There was nobody to steal my farm, feed the enemy, or…
As of last Thursday, February 26th, the Kansas state legislature has made a move expected to, among other things, place a very significant amount of skilled Magic: The Gathering players in Kansas county jails for at least six months, if not longer, depending on how effectively they are able to…
HOLLYWOOD, CA – After a bidding war with Netflix, Paramount is poised to acquire legacy media giant Warner Bros. This would give the company a massive share of the entertainment industry, and many worry that the company’s conservative CEO will tarnish Warner Bros. properties. Seeking to alleviate those…
I DON’T THINK WE’RE IN KANSAS ANYMORE OH WAIT WE ARE IT JUST SUCKS – An exhausted world apathetically sighed this week after a transgender Commander player was targeted for discard even though they were already hellbent with zero lands on the battlefield. “Honestly after having everything else systematically stripped…
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Spectators of a recent Pete Hegseth speech report that the high-ranking military official read his speech directly from the flavor text of Magic: The Gathering cards. The speech, presented to a group of new military recruits on their way to the Middle East, was read by the…
MACKINAC, MI — What should have been a fairly quiet evening at Brews and Brews, a family owned local game store and pub, ended in tears and bloodshed. Locals are reporting what seems to be nothing short of an absolute slaughter going down at a prerelease event for the new…
A recent Nielsen report of Milano Cortina 2026 Olympic Winter Games viewers shows a surprising statistic: many older women recognized Magic: The Gathering as something their grandchildren used to play. When polled, female viewers over the age of 60 recognized the tabletop trading card game from when their grandchildren played…
RENTON, WA — Earlier today, Wizards of the Coast’s corporate team proudly announced an upcoming set for 2027: “Universes Beyond: Magic: The Gathering.” It’s quite a departure for the company’s usual design space, and it has players asking the question–how will an old, storied property like Magic: The Gathering fit…
UNDISCLOSED LANDFILL, NJ — March marks 30 Years since the implementation of the Reserved List, the controversial policy which has kept many older cards from receiving reprints. To celebrate, Wizards of the Coast has taken it upon themselves to honor its tradition by destroying any remaining product from Magic’s…
Hollywood, CA — Former child star and current satirical news site owner Macaulay Culkin continues to make unexpected waves in both the pop culture and academic culture scenes as he’s announced to be the headmaster of the Silverquill school of Strixhaven on the plane of Arcavios. Culkin, who played Kevin…
With the world slipping towards a more fascist-friendly version of Mad Max, it can be hard to stay positive. Pop culture and cute animals aren’t enough to keep us from walking into the rising Oceans anymore, so we’re combining the two. Here are all…
JONESBORO — AK While many local game stores claim to be allies to their transgender customers, on a game-to-game level this can prove hard to enforce. It can often result in many trans Magic players feeling unsafe and being hesitant to correct their opponents. After talking to some of their…
Folks, A great injustice has once again been perpetrated on us by the BONEHEADS of at “Wizards” of the so-called Coast and dedicated followers may recognize that this is a HUGE MISTAKE that they’re making for the SECOND TIME! I don’t know about you all, but I say fool me…
VATICAN CITY, VATICAN – Magic: The Gathering and Catholicism. Two cults that don’t always see eye to eye. But on this Ash Wednesday, a new chance has come for many a lapsed soul, as the upcoming TMNT release prompts Catholic players to give up Magic for Lent.
EL PASO, TX — Panic abounded earlier this week, as alarms rang out that a Blasphemous Act was fired off in the area, spreading fears of a greater conflict. However, after further investigation, it appears all the action was over a single unequiped…
BENSON, IN – Confusion muddled the workings of a local music venue after one employee published an aggressive mono-black Magic: The Gathering deck list thinking it was the lineup for an upcoming metal show. Santiago Borknagar was looking to impress his manager, Ingrid Ensiferum, by finishing the festival’s promotional work…
Not That Kind of Cuffing Comfort Commanders and What They Say About Us Well hello there, dear reader. It’s been a while. Is it cold where you are? It sure is freezing here. We’re here today to talk about cuffing. And no, it’s not as dirty as it…
A SMALL TOWN WHERE SURELY NOBODY COULD FIND LOVE – A tale of romance unfolded at the local game store earlier this week as, when an opponent asked if anyone would like to cut their deck, two players attempting to do so made intimate accidental hand contact. The incident occurred at…
Washington, D.C. – Congress has released their findings on companies that falsify their A.I. capabilities after it was discovered that Waymo uses remote workers to drive their so-called “autonomous” cars. One such company is Wizards of The Coast, who were revealed to be using an unnamed college intern to run…
Richmond, VA — Exciting moments and pleasant surprises were abound the first weekend of February, from the relative lack of Izzet Spellslinger decks to the heartwarming tribute to the late champion Kai Budde, but the thing that caught everyone from spectators to the actual judges by surprise was the appearance…
As Magic: The Gathering’s number one thirst trap, Oko has warped the game’s horny meta. Perfectly uniting the hunk green archetype with the blue twink identity, he’s the ultimate fae fantasy, particularly for queer Magic fans like me. With his…
Olympic hopeful and Magic: The Gathering hobbyist Amber Glenn has reportedly asked other skaters in the women’s 300 meter downhill event she will be competing in if they’d be OK splitting the gold medal if they get to the final round. Glenn, who is planning on skating to a Turbo-Fog-themed…
LYNCHBURG, VA — Following a string of controversies, walk-backs, and general fan animosity surrounding their parent company’s recent contracts with ICE, ReedPop announced earlier this week that they would be creating a separate event “catering to a more Patriotic crowd that don’t feel as welcome as they should…
SEATTLE, WA — Chaos and calamity struck a typically peaceful community potluck Wednesday evening when a food fight erupted amongst a group of local magic players confounded by the interaction of a 7-layer dip. What began as a simple question about how to eat the dip quickly escalated to insults,…
