Latest Hegseth Speech Clearly Flavor Text from Red Magic Cards

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Spectators of a recent Pete Hegseth speech report that the high-ranking military official read his speech directly from the flavor text of Magic: The Gathering cards.

The speech, presented to a group of new military recruits on their way to the Middle East, was read by the Secretary of War while he glanced at a teleprompter opened to a Scryfall window with questionable search terms.

“Places everyone!” began Hegseth as he spoke directly to the recruits present. “The larger the crowd, the harder it is for them to run away. They said obey and you’ll be happy. They said you’ll be safe. But we’re not safe. We’re not happy. And we will not obey. I order you to volunteer!

“One day you, too, shall drink the blood of your foes. It is something to look forward to. The shaman rattles not to inspire a battle fury but to drown out the shrieks of those fleeing the Eldrazi. If your blood doesn’t run hot, I will make it run in the sands! Execution awaits the dissenter. Diplomacy has solved nothing. Only bloodspill can end this now. Call forth the warbringer!”

Then Hegseth began to discuss how upcoming military operations in Iran will be performed: “Punch ’em, kick ’em, bite ’em, beat ’em! Burn ’em all and we’ll defeat ’em! The Spartans attack relentlessly, giving their opponents no time to think or breathe. We won’t sit like lazy gob-slugs waiting for death to come to us. We’ll bring death, shiny sharp, to our enemies. To survive imminent doom, it sometimes takes a foolhardy soul who acts first and fears later. Reduce. Reuse. Wreak havoc. Fight through it. If at first you don’t succeed, hit them again. If we cannot live proudly, we die so!”

At press time, Democratic Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez made a declaration against Hegseth’s speech by posting “He raged at the world, at his family, at his life. But mostly he just raged.”