Macaulay Culkin’s Weird Career Resurgence Continues As He’s Announced To Be The New Silverquill Headmaster

Hollywood, CA — Former child star and current satirical news site owner Macaulay Culkin continues to make unexpected waves in both the pop culture and academic culture scenes as he’s announced to be the headmaster of the Silverquill school of Strixhaven on the plane of Arcavios. Culkin, who played Kevin McCallister in 1990’s Home Alone and Mickey in 2021’s American Horror Story: Double Feature, expressed both confusion and excitement at the news. “No, yeah, it’s great, I think. I love branching out and trying new things. I mean, when I contacted Hasbro and said, ‘Hey, I want to be in the new Magic set,’ I kind of expected them to, you know, use me as an art model or maybe name a card after me like they did with Joseph Gordon-Levitt. I wasn’t expecting them to make me into an actual teacher at a magical school. I think? That’s what a headmaster is, right?”

“We couldn’t be more excited,” explained Ovidio Cartagena, “Originally we were going to just start painting Embrose Lu as Mr. Culkin, but Mark [Rosewater] got really angry for some reason. He explained that the school hierarchy is important to keep intact, but I think it’s probably because Mac is too short.

He instead told us to make new positions for each school, and appoint different actors to each role. We got Mac, Natalie Portman and Kristen Stewart as headmasters and -mistresses in the different schools, but Daniel Radcliffe refused. He said, ‘I don’t want anything to do with that wizard school shit anymore. Don’t call me back,’ so we got Mara Wilson instead.”

“I have to admit, I didn’t really expect Strixhaven to actually be real,” Culkin explained. “I figured it was all made up by writers, but I’ve been surprised by how the creative process works before. They actually made me and my wife spend time with lynxes during the production of Zootopia 2, and the pigeon lady in Home Alone 2? Genuinely unhoused. Crazy, right?

“I really hope this doesn’t take up too much of my time, though,” he continued. “Running Bunnyears.com isn’t THAT time consuming, to be honest, I just make all of my extremely talented and sexy satire writers do the hard work for me, but filming for Season 3 of Fallout is starting up soon and I’m a pretty big deal in it. I really hope that I won’t have to pass this job off to Ke Huy Quan.”